Donnerstag, 14. Juni 2012

Day 10: I don't wanna Wait in Vain

So the other day I was looking at the attitude of a friend as a physical attitude and its consequences in the world (see my blog.....). That point forced me to look at myself and my own attitude, and through an experience I had the other night I saw something interesting.

I spent the afternoon with my partner and we had a great time working with the earth and planting some new plants, then cleaning the balcony and finishing up, and we were both really caught up in the activity and accordingly focused on it. We were at his place, and so my partner continued with cleaning the inner side of the space that leads to the balcony.
I was enjoying the green view and the sparkling raindrops that the short rain was now reflecting on the plants... And slowly but surely I realized I had nothing particular to do and started feeling awkward. I realized I was like waiting for something, for something to happen, for something to determine the next steps.

I asked myself whether perhaps I should not be there, perhaps my partner wants to be alone and do his thing, so I asked him whether he wants to be alone and he said it is not a problem that I am there. So I realized it was I that was the one having a 'problem', it was I that was feeling awkward, it was I that wanted to leave, but I could somehow not move myself freely to simply leave. As if I was waiting for something.

When I realized this, I took a moment to breathe and make myself comfortable within myself, to stop the awkward feeling and simply be here for a moment. Then, I simply made the step to take my bag and tell my partner "Hey I'll be going over to my place now", upon which he simply said "okay" - and everything was simplistic and simply what it was.
We hugged goodbye and I shared that I had enjoyed myself that day, and I left and everything was fine, clear, simple.

What I recognized within this is the automated response that comes up when I don't seem to be finding or seeing a 'purpose' to my presence and I immediately start to question whether I am wanted there, whether I am bothering, whether I am not supposed to be there.

An interesting realization within the whole situation, was when I realized that I was experiencing opposing forces within me. I wanted to leave and go and do something but I wasn't admitting that to myself for some reason, and at the same time I wanted to stay but didn't see why and what for. Within this, I realized that I was WAITING. I was waiting for SOMETHING.

What was that something I was waiting for? I was waiting either for my partner to tell me that I have to leave, or my partner to come to me and hug me or sit with me and give me a moment of 'intimacy'.
So I was waiting for my partner to determine my 'purpose', my 'movement', and also as I am realizing now: my 'worth'.

If he was to ask me to leave I would perceive that as me being 'not worthy' in that moment for him and would make a 'negative' experience out of it - OR if he would have come closer to me and we'd have a moment of 'closeness' I would make a 'positive' experience out of it and perceive myself as 'worthy'.
Both polarities do not in fact say anything about ME, but through my own acceptance and allowance: I accept such value-judgments to be formed within me based on the interpretation of the feedback coming from outside of me and I allow that perceived feedback to determine who I am through determining how I see myself and what I think and feel about myself and my relationships in my world.

It is fascinating that from such small points, such trivial and banal situations we can actually see so much about ourselves and about how we create our own experience and form our relationships.

The fucked-up thing about that is, that we are within that forming our relationships and our interactions from an unconscious starting-point, as we allow the conditioned mind as our self-consciousness to form the conclusions, assumptions and definitions we extract from the situation as equations, which we then base our decisions on.

So we base our decisions in the fuzzy logic of the secret mind, in unawareness of the totality of ourselves and our reality/our world. We base our decisions on the fears and desires of the conditioned self-consciousness and end up going into the direction the mind wants to go - which is a preprogrammed direction based in ideas of 'safety', 'knowing' and 'self-interest', and therefore such direction is not in fact allowing self as the actual being to expand, to explore and discover oneself for real.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as waiting.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my 'worth' based in polarity value-judgments according to my interpretation of external feedback, and thus to define my 'worth' based on how I think others see me - instead of acknowledging and accepting self-worth as who I am here as life, based in the core of my being and not on perception through the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to direct, to determine and to form 'what is here' - instead of taking full responsibility for who I am, what I want, where I'm going.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a starting-point of lack, thinking and believing I am missing something, something that must be given to me from the outside - instead of realizing self-equality and oneness here as me and accepting myself as the starting-point and the directive-principle of my life as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest a persona of 'waiting': 'waiting' to be allowed, 'waiting' to be given, 'waiting' to be invited, 'waiting' to be valued... - instead of be allowing me to be HERE, me giving me to me, me inviting me to live, me valuing myself as life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that through accepting myself to exist within and as 'waiting' in that one point of for instance the partner-relationship, I am actually accepting myself as 'waiting' in all aspects of my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' for others to come forth with solutions when it is clear that this world requires every single self-willed individual in order to bring forth a solution for our world that will actually support life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'unworthy', 'without purpose', 'without value' - when it is clear that we are only waiting for ourselves, as it is up to us to see ourselves as worthy of life and make ourselves worthy of life; we must give ourselves the purpose of creating life, creating ourselves as life to begin with, as that would be the only actual value and the highest value a human being could take on: dignifying life and bringing forth a purified existence where the value is life and all life can be equally free to express and expand, to live, to move, to create.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wait for direction from the outside - instead of realizing that if we do not give ourselves direction in self-honesty, we remain subject to the systems of this world that operate automatically based on profit and self-interest, which is in essence based in fear; and that these systems exist and operate both within and without, as we have created and manifested this world in our image and likeness: a bipolar existence based in apparent 'scarcity' where life has become a race and a struggle between having and lacking, and this system is driven by the friction cause through competition, comparison, greed - all of which is essentially based in fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of fear, an existence of separation, an existence where all and everything is enslaved to each-other, yet each one fears making the first step to freedom, fears giving up what we think we own, what we think we know, who we think we are.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold on to what I 'know' out of a need to feel 'safe' and 'secure' - instead of realizing that that which I think I 'know' and that which makes me feel 'safe' and 'secure' are the very patterns that constitute this world as we know it - and if all fear the unknown, if all are waiting for others to change first, we are surely not getting anywhere.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of 'scarcity' where we manifest money as scarcity based on our own inner perception of scarcity, where each one is always looking at the rest of the world through the filters of separation and therefore through an experience of 'lack' and 'need' which in turn fuels self-interest and makes it all about "me, me, me", and we are all literally driven by self-interest and have lost our own actual drive as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed an existence of 'scarcity' - instead of realizing that there is enough of everything for all here and each one could have a fulfilled life of self-expression and actual value with doing what one is good at doing, if only we would stop antagonizing and racing against-each other in a quest for a bigger jackpot for "me", a quest for self-interest and personal elevation.

I commit myself to stopping myself whenever I find myself 'waiting'.

I realize that 'waiting' is wanting - wanting someone to change first before I change, waiting for someone to determine the next steps, waiting for someone else to take responsibility, waiting for the right moment.... when in fact I am always only waiting for myself to stand up and live.

I realize that if we don't stand up and live and bring forth an existence where all will be able to stand up and live - we'll be waiting in vain and we'll be in fact worthless in life, as we have not accepted ourselves as life, but have waited for others to save life and bring forth a solution for life.

I commit myself to taking responsibility at any given moment - being the directive-principle that dares to stop the game, dares to lead the way, to make decisions, to move self - because I realize that if I don't move, nothing moves.

I commit myself to making myself and others in my world aware of the manifestation of ourselves as 'waiting' - so that all may see that 'waiting' is actually postponing, is actually abdicating responsibility, is actually giving in to the mind as the self-consciousness that is trapped in concepts of 'inferiority' and 'superiority' and always busy with "me, me, me", instead of allowing self to stand equal as life and bring forth the equality of life as the actual value that can be practically lived, honoured, applied and established, so that all may be able to live their full potential as life; and surely once life is free, much more is possible than we can even begin to fathom at the moment.

I commit myself to eliminating the idea of 'scarcity' that has become a mental concept manifested as money that dictates this existence in polarity terms of 'having and 'lacking', so much so that all thoughts of human beings exist in terms of 'having' and 'lacking' - be it money, sex, relationships, image, worth, value - it's always about 'having' and 'lacking' and therefore the human race is manifest based on this very program, and regardless of what we participate in we are always trapped in this program of polarity. We are driven by it and are programmed to re-create it and perpetuate it over and over and over again, as our history of mankind clearly shows. This must stop.

I commit myself to stopping the concept of 'scarcity' from driving our existence. I commit myself to bringing forth common sense and the realization that all can have and be everything, once we re-form our system into a system that will ensure the foundation for all to have equal power, equal opportunity, equal value, equal access in life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being subject to the self-consciousness of my conditioned mind - and I commit myself to investigating and exposing all the ways in which we are enslaved to conditioned patterns of polarity that cause abuse and the exploitation of life.

I commit myself to removing the veils of the mind cast upon this existence to blind us from the actual truth of ourselves that is right in front of us yet we do not see...

I commit myself to exposing all the ways we deceive ourselves through the mind, driven by self-interest which is in essence fear - and I commit myself to bringing forth an existence without fear, starting with myself.

Investigate Desteni and the Equal Money solution - It's time to Dignify Life and bring forth a purified consciousness motivated as Life

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