Mittwoch, 7. November 2012

Day 198: Be_Longing | BACKCHAT Dimension of the Mind Construct #4

Looking now specifically at the points I had listed in Laying out the Mind Construct (Day 186)

They don’t care about me
I am only being used to satisfy THEIR needs / concepts / desires / dreams
They don’t really want me here
For them it’s not about me/who I am, it’s about what THEY want/need
Yes, look, they don’t do this & that… / they are/do… -- that means they don’t give a fuck
Again I am waiting for them
I always have to wait
I hate waiting for them
I hate needing them
Why do I care, if they don’t
I feel used / abused
I feel trapped
I need to run away, far away
They hurt me
Fuck them ‘cause they don’t care
If they make me feel like I’m worth nothing – then they are worth nothing
- a memory pops up from the time when I was around 7 or 8 years old:

I was a busy child as I was sent to several kinds of extra lessons in the afternoons, and at that time I was still not allowed to walk to the lessons and back home on my own. So I was depending on a parent to pick me up, and the parent responsible for picking me up would always be late, and I would have to wait to be picked up. This was a very stressful situation for me back then, because there was the uncertainty on the one hand about when I will be picked up and how long I´d have to wait, also wondering what if I´ve been forgotten and am not going to be picked up, as sometimes I had to wait for over an hour and would then start to lose hope and also to get angry, blaming the parent in my mind and accusing them of being irresponsible, unreliable, not caring, etc. On the other hand, there was one particular school where the class I was attending was otherwise attended by boys - I was the only girl. The boys were of different ages, and two of them were older, like 14 or 15 at that time. When these boys saw that I was waiting alone, they would nag me and make jokes at my expenses, and I had neither the skill nor the strength to keep up with that. It was a weird kind of bullying that was taking place with an additional sexual component, which I at that time wasn´t even really understanding or realizing. So this whole situation was quite a stress for me, and there was nothing I hated more than having to wait, be left to wait, be dependent on being picked up yet not being able to rely on that, and not being allowed to walk home on my own either.

So from all this, an interesting pattern emerged, where even though what I hated most was to wait, I in later years developed the habit of waiting for others to initiate a point or to make a move or a decision.

From this developed a self-sabotage pattern as I realize, because I would then utilize the ´waiting´ as a justification for blaming "others" and making "them" responsible for me waiting, when in fact I´d be the one that made the decision to wait in the first place.

So, even though, the situation was no longer the same (I was no longer dependent on being picked up or anything, and I was a grown up person able to make its own decisions), I would in some twisted way place myself in a position of ´waiting´, why? The only reason evident here is to then make the one(s) I am waiting for responsible for me waiting. Twisted. This is nothing but a self-sabotage point, wherein what I was in fact participating in was manipulation, in fact self-manipulation. This point of ´waiting´ had become quite a subtle point, and often I myself wouldn´t realize that I had projected a decision, a step, an initiative, onto another/"others" and then waited for them to move so that I can move = total abdication of self-movement, thus abdication of self-responsibility.

This is similar to any point where self is making self dependent on ´external factors´, then blaming such ´external factors´ ("others", the world, society, the system, particular situations in one´s world) and making "them" responsible for one´s situation and experience in life.

I mean, obviously, there are factors in our world that we cannot change, at least not with one decision, and as long as we are subject to the current system, this is something we require to see and understand, and differentiate between what can be changed and what will require an entire process to be changed, like the current money-system and world system as a whole.

However, identifying the points one IS able to change, that is where self-responsibility comes in, because to then make ´external factors´ responsible or even to project blame when one is not taking direct responsibility but is waiting for others/situations to change first: that is simply self-dishonesty and self-sabotage.

If I take the above points and look at them in self-honesty, I can see how they are forming a pattern – and I can see how the backchat is then actually used to ‘justify’ the pattern, with the result that I within that abdicate my self-responsibility through projected blame and self-victimization.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the habit of Waiting, wherein I´d make ´external factors´ responsible for my life and my experience of myself and would then wait for these factors to change before I change.

Within this I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility because it is easier to make others responsible than to take absolute self-responsibility and self-directive principle.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto others / ´external factors´ and to within this abdicate my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I hadn´t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that abdicating my responsibility is equal to abdicating my power.

I forgive myself that I´ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless, when all the while I was making myself powerless, through projecting blame and abdicating responsibility outside of myself.

I see, realize and understand that as long as we blame ´external factors´, we are separating self from them and thus have no power to change anything. Therefore the solution is to, whenever I see myself going into blame or making something else responsible for who I am: to stop, breathe,and make sure I bring the point back to self to take responsibility for.

I see, realize and understand that whatever I am facing in my world, my reality: I am the creator of. As it is through my acceptances and allowances that situations emerge and are formed, for instance through the acceptance of the belief that ´external factors´ are responsible for who and how I am, I am allowing external factors to in fact determine who and how I am.

Thus I am responsible, whether I direct myself in self-honesty or whether I deceive myself through self-manipulation and self-abdication, supported through backchatting in the mind about how I am being the victim and how I always have to wait for others/things to change before I can change.

I commit myself to investigate all factors which I make responsible for who and how I am, and to take all points back to self to take responsibility for; to see and distinguish what it is that I am able to change and thus do so in absolute self-responsibility, and what it is that I cannot change and thus assess in common sense what would be required for a change to come forth, wherein I am then able to do my part and if necessary show others how they can do their part, so that a situation is changed/transformed into what is best for all.

I commit myself to investigate any and all points where I´d postpone making a decision, and clarify for myself whether I am ´waiting for something/someone´ and thus abdicating my responsibility and directive-principle; so as to then make the decision to Stop Waiting and start walking, living the solution into beingness, in self-honesty and self-responsibility.


To be continued.

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