A fascinating and also shocking point I realized within all this -
see my previous posts from
Day 442 | Mind Control from the Inside Out - The Revenge of the Ego
and 444 | Mind Control from the Inside Out (pt.2) - The Revenge of the Ego
and for more context also see
Day 425 | Planet Earth: Home of Egos. Desteni Predictions Stand the Test of TimeDay 432 | Revenge of the Ego 1 - The Ego is Always on the Go. Live Here as Breath
Day 433 | Revenge of the Ego 2 - Energy, E-motion, Experience, Free-Choice
Day 434 | Revenge of the Ego 2 (part 2) - Polarity & Energy Projections vs the Living Word
- is the following:
(because I also asked myself Why do I as my ego/design manifest this/such behavior, what is the motive behind it, what is the self-interest?)
I found in self-honesty that, through such patterns I as ego/design was attempting to 'keep everything together' through control, trying to control who another is, who the relationship is, what the outcome of the relationship will be - instead of walking in self-control as self-honesty, meaning: taking responsibility for ME and who I am, because obviously it is who I am that determines what and how my relationships will be.
This whole point reminds me of my childhood and teenage years, where I was watching my family fall apart and I had, in a way unconsciously, without understanding what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, decided to try and 'keep the harmony' and 'keep everyone happy'.
Obviously at that stage I had no idea about personal responsibility, about how patterns are created, about how energy functions within/as polarity - and all I wanted was for us to have some space to breathe, and also to do something about the fear I was facing in terms of everything falling apart which later on in a way manifested, as my father got really ill and passed away when I was 16.
So I see myself applying the same survival-mechanism today, where I'll try and 'keep everything under control' and I'll try and create something like 'harmony', but all of that I try and manifest through a set of rules/ideas about how things are supposed to be and how things are supposed to function within a relationship - all coming from my childhood and teenage years experiences.
What I'm also realizing is that I had from the beginning started the relationship with an inherent expectation for the worst, as if already implying that the relationship is bound to fall and thus focusing myself on trying to 'keep it together' - and within that obvsiouly missing reality, missing what is here, as myself and another, missing live and to be the directive authority of ME. Instead I had attempted to be the directive authority of the relationship, without even standing in absolute self-authority as self-honesty and self-responsibility.
Instead it was as if I had projected my self-authority and self-responsibility onto the relationship, implying that if the relationship is OK that I will be OK, thus trying to 'fix' the relationship (with which there was nothing wrong in reality) instead of 'fixing' i.e. correcting ME and taking self-responsibility for who I am and how I experience myself.
So all of this in fact shows me how I in my life had existed in extreme fear and always in a mode of 'attempting to keep everything together'. And I would always put on a happy face and try and convince myself and everybody else that everything is OK, all the while I was in constant fear that everything is gonna fall apart, any minute now, and thus I must be always alert, I must control, I must keep it all together, because (especially as a child, you think that) if everything falls apart I will fall apart.
When I look back, this pattern peaked during the time I was into spirituality, where that delusion of 'everything is OK' and 'I am OK' was accentuated, and I was going more and more into suppression and denial, trying to replace my fear with 'love & light'. And if I hadn't come across Desteni and the self-support tools for self-honesty, I would probably to this day be denying the actuality of my existence and I'd be lying to myself and my world, and I would either face my last breath without ever having gotten to know myself, or I would at some point be struck with a traumatic event and the sudden realization of OMG all of my love and light was just an illusion I used to cover it all up and create the sensation that I am in control, while I was completely deluded.
With the Desteni tools we now have in fact the opportunity to stop the course of this sinking ship we are in, both individually and as humanity together, stop the course that leads us to our fate through traumatic events and consequences, and instead make the decision to take the steering wheel in our hands and face ourselves and our creation head-on, to take responsibility, and to move ourselves towards living-solutions - real living solutions and not make-belief delusions.
I will continue with self forgiveness on these points in my next posts.
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Blogs to Study:
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Economist's Journey to Life - BIG Solutions for the World's Economy
Politics and Political Action Re-Evaluated
Criminology, Cause & Effect, and How to establish a Society that's Pro-Life
Practicality for the Transcendence Process of Human Systems
Practicality for the Transcendence Process of Human Systems
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