Dienstag, 11. September 2012

144: Day 4 of 21 Practicing Self Equality | I’ve been standing in my way

This is continuing from
Day 141: A New Starting-Point for Life | 21 Days of Practicing Self Equality
Day 142: 2 of 21 Days of Practicing Self Equality | In Spite of the Routine
Day 143: 3 of 21 Days of Practicing Self Equality | It's a Living, Not a Doing
I noticed a point today which kinda shocked me, and I wondered whether it's always been there. It must’ve been, yet it’s been such an accepted ‘mode’ that I haven’t seen it as such: it's like I am constantly observing myself looking for mistakes. I saw this as a subtle 'attitude' within myself and for a moment I went silent. I realized it is the mind's habit of keeping itself busy and not allowing me to simply be here, but wanting me for itself, wanting to preoccupy me into feeding it with attention. In other words: it’s ME keeping myself busy within and as the mind – instead of Living as life.



I also looked at the point from the perspective of the 'desteni character'. It's been quite interesting since we lately discussed how we tend to create characters and personalities for every aspect of our lives, and we started deconstructing the various 'expressions' of for instance the 'desteni character', meaning: how one would superimpose or project one's own initial definition/experience of coming across desteni, the ideas, expectations and hopes one had initially projected onto the desteni group and so on.


So here, for myself, I looked at the perspective of morality, and I realized that I had an issue with morality from quite a young age. I could not for instance accept how religions functioned and the beliefs and rituals they presupposed and demanded - which is what led me to explore the world’s philosophy beyond religion, which led me to spirituality, before I came across desteni, whereby within spirituality I was not yet seeing that that in itself was another system just like religion, requiring the same belief, the same faith, the same separation like religion. Once I discovered the desteni group and material however, I very quickly saw the common sense presented and I had an experience of finding the answer or seeing the truth – finding the ‘right’ approach - because I was amazed at how much I had taken for granted in life and how much I hadn't questioned and how much I had simply accepted without a common sense investigation because I was 'looking for something' -


and this 'looking for something' I had placed within the context of morality - like a new morality for life - however I was not yet living for myself this 'new morality' as a way of life, beyond ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, but in self-honesty, as who I am and how I participate;

much of it I still projected, still separated myself from, still made a 'morality' of 'right' and 'wrong' out of, as I realize now within/through seeing the subtle self-judgment of my 'state of mind' which seems to be there in the background constantly, waiting for me to 'make a mistake', to 'do something wrong', so that it can bring me ‘down’ and let me feel like a ‘failure’ etc. etc. (I had written extensively about patterns of self-sabotage and how definitions of 'success' and 'failure', 'superiority' and 'inferiority' keep us from actually Living and directing ourselves in self-honesty as life.)


So - within this application of practicing self equality deliberately for 21 days, I am seeing more clearly what stands in my way of living in self-equality, and obviously I find that I've been standing in my own way through my conditioned and accepted application within and as the mind.


So here the solution would be to embrace and amalgamate the mind and this 'aspect' that it's showing me - to realize that for whatever reasons I developed this constant self-judgment (which I can see throughout my Journey to Life blog: family background, people experiences, self-definitions and expectations, the morality point I mentioned above) I can now Stop, because the only thing this judgment served was to keep me 'down', to keep me 'troubled', to keep me ‘preoccupied’, to keep me in acceptance of ‘not being good enough’/’not worthy enough’, to keep me 'trying', to keep me in the ‘negative’ end of the polarity –

with the result that I kept being negative about myself, and kept trying to ‘find myself’ or ‘fulfil myself’ myself within a projected 'better'/'right' idea and belief of myself which I was projecting 'out there', and thus within that per implication accepting a 'worse'/'wrong' idea and belief of myself in the Here (see my Blog posts on this point of “Here” and “There”). So it's no wonder that I've been having this judgmental and negative experience of myself within myself = I was giving it to myself personally, lol.


In other words I was standing in my way of living and applying self equality, due to my own accepted and allowed separation, based on morality of 'right' and 'wrong' and other bipolar value-judgments, which I have specifically elaborated on throughout my Journey to Life blog. What I was not yet aware of, is that this self-judgment has been and become like a constant background mode within me as the mind.


Now - within walking the deliberate practicing of self equality, I realize that it is I as breathing presence here in every moment, as directive principle in self-responsibility, that must be/become this 'constant' within and as myself: a foundation, an operating platform, a starting-point, a source code - Me Here as Life. Breathing. Self Equality. Self Honesty. Self Clarity. Self Direction.



Self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to follow.

Read up on the MIND and CREATION:

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