Day 128: Standing Up from Falling in Love

ART by Matti Freeman

 

I have within the last couple of days seen, realized and understood how I made myself diminish and suffer within two points which, as I am realizing, have been defining my existence from the very beginning:

 

the two points being expressed through the words ‘home’ and ‘want’ – based on which I have defined ‘love’, ‘fulfilment’ or even ‘living’.

 

Looking at the point of ‘want’, what I have realized by looking within myself is that: when I stop wanting what I think/believe/feel that “I want”, I begin to see, realize and understand what I actually want – which (the latter) is in no separation from ‘who I am’ as life.

I simply have to LIVE that into beingness as myself – Give it to myself instead of creating a want / hope / need / desire out of it and projecting it in separation from myself.

 

These two words – ‘home’ and ‘want’ – opened up a matrix of family history, refugees, war, fleeing, hoping ... all of that carrying the feeling/emotion polarity of Fear and Desire, in other words HOPE – in my particular example, in relation to: a ‘home’, or rather, the ‘feeling’ of being/getting ‘home’.

At the same time I realized that what I am experiencing is not just “me”, it is a whole matrix of relationships, generations and history that was ‘downloaded’ through my being born into this world, the particular family, place, background, relationships – and that what I am experiencing is the downline of generations of history, struggle and fear.

YET – what I individually accept and allow myself to make out of all this: THAT is my responsibility.

 

So within that, the realization is here that yes, we are each one the result of our environment, however through understanding without judgment the beginning and the end of the relationships our background and history show us:

we are able to understand how the patterns we exist trapped within function, and to thus take the initiative to stop following and repeating the past, and to instead will ourselves to take directive-principle and make that decision of ‘who I am’ in the context of ALL LIFE, all history, all time, all patterns, establishing self equality, self-dignity, self-respect, and practical self-support as life.

 

I realize this is a point I will be walking from several different perspectives and dimensions, so here I simply start with self-forgiveness on what is here.

 

 

For further Context see also my blog posts:

Day 18: Special Love in Special Relationships with Special People

Day 23: A Fugitive of my Own | Considerations of a Self-Exile in Self-Imprisonment

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a game of abuse and manipulation "in the name of love".

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to buy into illusions of hope which were reflected back to me based on my own projections that I created in separation from myself, in essence within that abdicating my responsibility for myself, my life and the future to something/someone other than me here.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see me and face me, but have instead allowed myself to hide behind another / a relationship, unto which I projected my desires for fulfilment, completeness, intimacy, self-realization -

instead of living the realization that I can only be fulfilled, complete, intimate: when I realize me for me, for what I have become, for what I have allowed myself to be and create; and from here take the directive principle and accept the responsibility to re-create me in self equality and oneness as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the 'signs' that I gave to myself through and as the energetic polarity experiences I put myself through such as excitement, despair, hopelessness, yearning and hoping, desiring and fearing at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FALL in love, wherein I projected a separate entity bubble which I called 'love', even though I called it all kinds of different names just to not see that I was FALLING in love.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for the sake of a 'feeling' - a 'feeling' within which I placed my hopes, dreams and desires and which I projected into some future, disregarding the fact that I am the one that creates my future through who I am and what I participate in, in every moment.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to degrade myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept the concept that 'without love' or without a 'relationship' or without a 'man' : I am not living - instead of realizing that such 'concepts' are con and are passed onto me throughout many generations of lives that were subjected to this world without the realizations and the tools that I have today;

and that therefore I am able to make my own informed decisions about what I will accept and allow myself to be and what I will not accept or allow, as I realize that one become/is equal to and one with what one accepts and allows oneself to be and participate in.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to equate myself to 'inadequacy', 'sadness', 'pity', 'neediness', all based in and implying the acceptance of: fear and inferiority.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to from that starting-point of accepted fear wherein I defined myself as 'less than'/'inferior' based on unconscious concepts of forefathers which is basically the world consciousness wherein 'value' is not equated to life and thus self-worth but to 'added values' such as money, status, achievements, marriage, career etc. –

all based on value-judgments that imply comparison and thus competition, hence how we've made a 'human race' out of humanity and are constantly racing against each-other, against time, against ourselves; instead of walking in real-time, facing ourselves and each-other, supporting our creation as ourselves, taking self-responsibility for What is Here.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and guidance in separation from myself, where I've accepted and allowed myself to want / need / desire for others/another to 'appreciate' me, to 'reward' me, to 'validate' me –

instead of me validating my existence through living self-honesty, rewarding life through living self-dignity, self-respect, self-responsibility, thus being in a position to appreciate myself for who I am and how I live.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self-judgment to such an extent, that I have left no room in my life for self-care, self-love, self-acceptance.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be a morality character, wherein instead of directing myself in self equality and oneness, I've created like a separate "me" within myself that observes, judges, rewards and punishes "me" and my world -

wherein I've conceptualized life from a perspective of 'right'/'wrong', 'good'/'bad', 'superior'/'inferior', trapping myself within polarity constructs of the mental and disregarding the physical actuality of my reality which can in common sense and self-honesty be looked at from the perspective of CAUSE and EFFECT, and thus the understanding of consequence and thus actual Evolution.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that self-forgiveness does not remove consequence; it simply prepares me to face consequence, to face myself and my creation, to take responsibility, to change in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and to wish that I had done things differently - instead of accepting the realization that regret always comes when it is 'too late', thus there is nothing to fix, but to simply let go and re-align self with LIFE/LIVING in self-honesty, self-dignity, self-respect.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about what others think and who others are in their mind - instead of confronting myself with the fact that I at the same time have allowed myself to make assumptions, suppositions and conclusions about others, instead of taking SELF-responsibility and living within and as myself the change I want to see in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'fix things' instead of realizing that in the reality of 'space-time' within which we all currently exist:

we are here to face who we are and what we create, and within that, TIME is the framework within which we can see the cause and effect of our existence, if we dare look.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can utilize TIME equal and one in self-honesty to create me and my reality as an existence of self-dignity, self-respect and mutual support in equality and oneness as life - through the accumulative EFFECT of who I am in every breath and what my participate in every moment CAUSE;

 

and within that, humbleness and patience is required, realizing that it's gonna take time breath by breath to untangle, deconstruct and release myself from that which I have already created throughout my life as myself, whether in unawareness or through deliberate self-dishonesty, manipulation and fear;

and that in order to re-create myself and my world into an existence that is equal to and one with LIFE/LIVING as self-dignity, self-respect and mutual support: I will have to be DELIBERATE in my decision to stand my ground in self equality and oneness and LIVE that self-dignity, self-respect and life-support within and through my practical participation in every moment.

 

I realize that in order to forgive myself and release myself from the past that is me that has been equal to self-dishonesty, indignity and manipulation through fear, I first have to accept myself and my creation with all its fuck-ups, to see things for what they are and acknowledge my responsibility within it all, to then stop all judgment that I've accepted and allowed myself to cast upon my world and myself, and stand-up in self-responsibility to be a living example of forgiveness, of dignity, of living, of change.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that I am worthy of life and that within that: I must give life to me, as I am the only one to determine 'my worth' through either accepting my value as life and thus as an equal and one physical being here on earth, or through separating myself from the value of life and allowing myself to 'search for' worth through 'attainments' such as 'love', 'relationship', 'status', 'money', 'sex' and the like definitions of 'power', ‘fulfilment’ and 'success' as defined of this world consciousness.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FALL victim to the world consciousness of polarity, within the concept of which we accept and allow the separation of ourselves from love, freedom, intimacy, fulfilment, power, commitment, strength; and instead of living these qualities as life in practical application, as who we are, we project them as mental concepts which we then try to 'make real' through manipulation in self-dishonesty, in the belief that we are making ourselves 'more'/'superior', not realizing that the very assumption of there being something 'more'/'superior' that we are to achieve/do/attain in order to be 'worthy': reveals our accepted 'inferiority' and self-definitions of being 'less than', all the while we are the ones that do not accept ourselves as life, as equals, as here and thus responsible and able to make a difference and direct our existence into something that is TRULY worthy of life AS LIFE equal and one.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that if we do not give ourselves worth/value as life, we cannot give it to anyone/anything else –

hence the state of the world as it is currently, where life has been degraded and the actual value of life has been replaced with fake “values” based on the polarity constructs of consciousness such as 'superiority'/'inferiority', 'more than'/'less than', 'winning'/'losing'.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that we must be able to give to each-other and our world that which we would like for ourselves –

and that therefore we should ask ourselves Why we are allowing a world where all we give to each-other is lies, dishonesty, manipulation and fake faces; is this perhaps what we give to even ourselves in an attempt to superimpose through 'make-believe' a self-image of ourselves that is in the eyes of the world ‘worthy’, instead of FACING ourselves and our lives in self-responsibility and the realization of cause and effect.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to live the realization that the only way to actual freedom and real power as creator: is absolute self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project my self-responsibility unto another from whom I would then subtly expect to 'save' me - not realizing that within that I was asking to be saved from myself, so that I don't have to face myself and what I have allowed my existence to CAUSE as an EFFECT in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and to live in indignity through buying into a self-created feeling-projection as 'love', which I placed as something separate from me, something 'more than' me, something with god-like abilities that would somehow make my life 'worth living' -

instead of ME giving ME the permission to LIVE; ME giving ME the value of LIFE as self-worth, and thus living that self-worth as life within my reality, being a living example of self-dignity, self-respect and life support.

 

I commit myself to once and for all deconstruct this point for myself through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application in self-honesty - to release myself from the bounds of my accepted consciousness and the equations of inequality I have given permission for to exist through and as me.

 

I commit myself to be and become a living example of self-worth as life - for ME, for who I really am as life;

and within that inevitably I may be a living example for all those that realize that our accepted way of life is in fact abusive, manipulative and deceptive.

 

I commit myself to stopping my self-delusion and stopping the deception of myself that I've accepted and allowed in the name of 'love' or in the name of 'feeling' or in the name of any 'desire' that I think is real or I must pursue or must have -

as I realize that if I am 'found wanting', this is only a proof that I exist as a consciousness robot trapped in the polarity constructs of 'superiority'/'inferiority', 'more than'/'less than', 'winning'/'losing', instead of living as equal of life in self-acceptance and self-worth.

 

I realize that all feelings, emotions and thoughts that 'come up' within my consciousness are in fact the outflows of generations that have gone before me, generations filled with war, fear, inequality, abuse and secrecy –

and that I in fact have a choice: to either live out and perpetuate/re-create the 'sins of the fathers', or to take self-responsibility within that and transform me and thus my existence and thus my future and my past into a self-realization of life as oneness and equality, wherein I live and apply self-dignity, self-acceptance, self-respect and self-support as life.

 

I commit myself to breaking the chains of history and rewriting existence from the starting-point of life, wherein self-forgiveness is the forgiveness of the past through taking self-responsibility to create a better future in fact, in the actuality of reality, through and as who we are and how we live.

 

I commit myself to stopping myself from being subject to the polarity construct of fear and desire, through self-honest self-introspection and corrective application in self-equality and oneness - wherein I give me the opportunity to dignify myself and fulfil myself as life.

 

I commit myself to contributing to the creation of an equal money system, where the consciousness constructs of 'superiority'/'inferiority', 'more than'/'less than', 'winning'/'losing', which affect our lives in ALL dimensions as seen not only in the world system of money but also through war and conflict and violence on the smaller as on the bigger scale, will be NO MORE.

 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as a physical being equal to and one with all other physical beings in acknowledgment of our equality and oneness and thus acknowledge of the equality and oneness of our value, our power, our influence, our responsibility as life.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a separate awareness of me as consciousness, where “values” other than life are made real through belief and Faith based on the polarity constructs of consciousness –

within this disregarding the value of life as self, while trying to achieve/gain/get 'more' value than others, 'more' value than what one judge oneself as, 'more' value than what one value oneself as, 'more' value in the hope, that that 'added value' will somehow enable one to ignore the fear that drives us –

 

instead of realizing that fear has become our driving force through our own acceptance and allowance of our separation from a substantial existence as a whole into an energetic state of separate alternate realities that constantly compete with each-other for 'value', manifesting a world where the “values” of 'superiority'/'inferiority', 'more than'/'less than', 'winning'/'losing' have become the framework for all our equations based on which we create the systems that manage us - the systems of this world that evidently are not best for life, but only best for profit, thus only supporting those that are in turn supporting the system of profit and inequality.

 

 

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand the practicality of the realization that "as above, so below - as within, so without" -

in spite of the obviousness of this world being the reflection of ourselves, and in spite of everyone agreeing with the saying "be the change you want to see in the world"; yet everyone is always abdicating responsibility, waiting for others to change first, instead of facing oneself and one's creation and once and for all making that one decision of absolute responsibility to within that make a difference and change the equation we have accepted and allowed to determine our existence and form the world matrix of abuse.

 

 

I commit myself to showing how an equal money system will support and assist humanity in restoring the value of life and getting to that point of responsibility in self-dignity, wherein each one will slowly but surely realize their role and influence within the whole, and because an equal money system will no longer submit its citizens to slavery through work which is money which is equal to debt which is equal to time wasted in surviving instead of LIVING :

work and responsibility will be practically re-defined into and as self expression, as each one will have the time, the space and the freedom to dis-cover and explore who one is, which inevitably brings forth the question of how one wants to expand and how that self-expansion will contribute to a world that is best for LIFE, thus best for all.

 

 

I commit myself to showing that where conflict emerges, one can be sure of one thing:

that the 'parties' are not standing in the interest of LIFE, but are representing self-interest only, which is ego, which is separation, which is the starting-point of war in this world.

 

I commit myself to sharing the common sense URGENCY of realizing and acknowledging that we are here on common ground and in fact share one common interest: LIFE.

 

I commit myself to aligning myself to the interest of LIFE as what is best for, from the practical perspective of no longer accepting or allowing, deception, manipulation, dishonesty, abuse;

starting with and within myself.

 

I commit myself to setting myself free from the accepted consciousness of polarity and separation and becoming a living example of lived oneness and equality as LIFE.

 

I commit myself to breathing through ‘energy’ everytime I find myself 'overwhelmed' or 'inferior' or 'wanting' –

as I realize that any such energetic experience is a creation of myself through separation, yet through my acceptance and allowance of defining myself as ‘inferior’ in relation to that energetic experience;

and that I therefore am able to take responsibility for any ‘energy’ that comes up within me and effectively direct it as myself from separation as energy into oneness and equality as substance, as a physical being on this earth that exists in the context of a Whole Existence in interconnectedness (ONE) and interdependence (EQUAL).

 

I commit myself to sharing the common sense that our individual existences/lives affect and have an influence on not only ourselves - but everything we come to face, see, touch, communicate with, and much more;

Therefore I commit myself to be an impulse of LIFE as oneness and equality - through aligning myself with the interest of LIFE and letting go of self-interest which is basically based in fear.

 

I commit myself to sharing the common sense that our fear and our separation go hand-in-hand, and that our consciousness that emerged as the evolution of mankind is a consequence of our accepted separation and fear –

and that the solution to this problem we are all individually and collectively facing: is the unification of LIFE as oneness and equality, both individually and collectively = within and without, until there is no more 'above' and 'below', but only LIFE, Equal and ONE.

A Video log for self-support: Embracing Self

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