Donnerstag, 29. August 2013

470 | Seeing through Blame and Regret

ART by Kelly Posey

...One of the reasons for my lack of directiveness in this point is, I realize, the fact that I haven´t yet been able to forgive myself for how I had allowed things to escalate by becoming more and more obsessed with the thoughts and emotions that were automatically coming up within me based on the interpretations and assumptions as well as the expectations that I had accepted and allowed myself to form and to follow.
...Which means, within blaming myself I kept myself in cycles of self-judgment, regret, and negativity (which is what despair in a way is), thus I kept myself from directing this point / me towards effectively stopping the self-judgment, forgiving the regret, so as to let go, and establish a fresh starting-point: this is who I am, this is where I stand and this is what I stand for. So I will walk as it, and give it to myself, breath by breath.

A couple of days after the break/conflict, I had taken the time to write out all cases and situations from within the relationship where I had reacted and had allowed for preprogrammed designs (emotional and thought-patterns) to direct and determine the experience of myself and my behavior and approach; I wrote out all the points that would trigger reactions within me and I walked the self-forgiveness and self-corrective solutions to be lived.

However, because the pattern had already repeated / I had fallen into the pattern more than once, I was blaming myself and found it very difficult to forgive myself.
Because, even though I was able to see the design, every time the emotional reaction would come up I would immediately go into the thoughts and interpretations in my mind that would `validate´ the emotional experience, and I hadn´t been able to in those moment stop myself from reacting or stop myself from placing faith and belief in the emotional experience and thus stop myself from making CONclusions from that starting-point. This resulted in me `following the mind´ and placing faith and belief into the design and consequently losing touch with the actuality of reality and failing to see things for what they are and others for who they are.

When I ask myself why I wasn´t able to stop/change myself and refrain from repeating the same experience and behavior, the main point I see is that I had focused on seeing/understanding the design and I believed that this was enough and that when the moment would come I would be able to live the correction – but I hadn´t from the beginning looked at all trigger points and I hadn´t scripted all particular/specific corrective self-applications for me to live.
Instead, I assumed that, because I see/realize/understand what I was falling into I´d be able to stop/change it the moment it comes-up again. Things may seem clear after recovering from a reaction, but I hadn´t considered that the moment a reaction comes-up and one is trapped within and as it, it´s difficult to see or consider common sense/the solution, unless one has specifically flagged the point and scripted a particular specific correction-application for oneself to live.
This goes to show the importance of self-corrective statements and self-commitments in the process of changing/stopping patterns and personality designs, because unless one gives oneself new instructions in clarity and detail, it is rather likely that one will fall into the automated paths of the past/conditioned patterns.
And obviously, even after scripting the correction for oneself to live, it takes a consistent and constant application as well as repetition for the correction to integrate, to become `natural´, to become `who I am´.

Another point I find in terms of `why´ I was failing, is that the design I am facing within all this, even though it reveals within especially intimate relationships, is in fact quite vast in terms of how it defines me and my entire life – how I have accepted and allowed it to define me and my life.
The design has a direct relation to the points of `worth´, `value´, `adequacy´, `acceptance´ and `happiness´ or `fulfillment´ –
points that I have been facing my entire life within experiences of inadequacy or inability to `connect´ with people, groups, family, friends, relationships. From this emerged a belief-based experience as if “there is something wrong with me” and “I am not good enough” from which I within/as the mind/consciousness concluded that “if only I can have `good´/`effective´ and `reassuring´ relationships, then I can be `worthy´, `valuable´, `accepted´, `happy´ and `fulfilled´…” –
and as a result I had projected this entire point, which is in essence the accepted definition of `me´ from the starting-point of an accepted `negative value´ about `me´ into an idealized `positive value´ which I had attempted to `achieve´ and `attain´ through relationships in general, and more intensely through my intimate relationships, wherein I had imposed my `ideal´ expectations (as dictated by the design in my mind/consciousness) not only onto the relationship but also the other person; superimposing me/my life onto the relationship/the other and within this thus abdicating myself and my self-responsibility and losing sight of my own process and responsibility, and to make matters worse: even trying to change/correct the other/the relationship instead of changing/correcting me and stopping/transcending the value-judgments and definitions I had accepted about myself.

Consequently, because I was in a relationship, I cared for and supported myself practically less and less and had instead expected this care and support to be given to me through the relationship / another;
I was less and less living/applying self-support and self-care and thus within that I was more and more `accepting´ and `validating´ myself as `worthless´, while expecting this acceptance and worth and value and care and support to be given to me by another / through a relationship. Within this I would also blame another / a relationship when my projected expectations and idea(l)s were not met, obviously missing everything of reality / another being and accomplishing nothing but resonantly imprisoning myself within my own accepted design of/as ego.
Quite an intertwined fuck-up, obviously.

The fact that I hadn´t been able to stop/change myself and my behavior in spite of the fact that I could see the nature of the design(and I could see it especially because I had been able to observe this very design with/within my parents and had within that for myself experienced what it means to endure such behavior and approach) – was and still is quite a difficult point to face.(What this also shows obviously is that knowledge is useless if the realizations/solutions are not lived and applied practically in self-support, in honor of life.)
On top of that, I started blaming myself and started in my mind to feed the belief/perception/experience that I am not worthy of forgiveness – instead of simply following through to the living-solution and giving myself the time and space to walk the correction into beingness, into reality, as who I am.
I blamed myself to such an extent that I started hating myself, within this merely strengthening and `validating´ the already accepted idea / self-belief of `unworthiness´ – a belief which I had developed since childhood and due to which I spent an entire life trying to do things and be things that would apparently `give me value´ and `make me worthy´… It´s amazing how fucked-up ego/consciousness designs can be.

Ego is not life – because if it were, it would be equal as life and would exist in self-worth and self-value as life and would thus acknowledge this value as life within everyone else equally.
Who we have become as ego-consciousness is an atrocious design, a self-interest based system that feeds off of life in the name of self-interest. It is a shame.
This is the ultimate point we are faced with within/as humanity, individually and collectively: to transcend the limitations of consciousness, get over ourselves as ego, and embrace ourselves and each-other as life, moving ourselves from self-interest (which is in the interest of the ego/personality/mind/consciousness design and never in the interest of a being as life) and into/as the interest of life as who we really are.

It is crystal clear that there is no forgiveness; there is only self-forgiveness, and that is the first step to change, the first step of releasing oneself from the `sins of the fathers´, the patterns of the past, and moving on to practically change and transform one´s existence into an existence that is truly worthy of life. Yet that worth, that forgiveness, that permission – self must give to self. No other can do it for you. AND: Forgiveness only has value if there is change/correction, this should be obvious common sense. be continued.

Awesome support and insights on REGRET and how to work with it can be found in these interviews:

Also, some FREE interviews with relationship support:

Relationship Success Support - Introduction

Relationship Success Support - Connection Personality

Relationship Success Support - Intimacy Personality - Part 1

Relationship Success Support - Intimacy Personality - Part 2

Relationship Success Support - Intimacy Personality - Part 3

Relationship Success Support - LOVE

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