Donnerstag, 29. August 2013

469 | VerZweiFeln : A State of Mind, a State of Being

ART by Terhas Tree White

There is an interesting word in the German language that translates into `doubting´/`self-doubt´, or more precisely as`to (fall into) despair´, and that is the word “verzweifeln”, which literally means `to divide into two´ (zwei: two).

Now this is an interesting word from the perspective that it indicates a division, a separation, and I have been lately faced with a point in my life where I have made this experience, and upon looking into it I find an interesting polarity existent behind the scenes so to speak. Let me explain.

I have had a break/conflict in a relationship within which I have failed to stick to the common sense of reality and see things/the other being for what and who they are, and had allowed myself to form interpretations, assumptions and ideas/beliefs– based on inherited personality designs; which in itself is an interesting matter and worth a full investigation as such, which I am in the process of applying and clarifying for myself, as to how we end-up becoming our parent(s) despite the common childhood oath that we will never do so.
After the break/conflict I find myself regretting my alienationand the fact that I did not in time make sure that my approach is corrected, as well as I find myself being uncertain about what can be done and how to now approach the person involved. The person involved had asked that we do not communicate for a while.

Now, after some weeks have passed, when I think of calling the person and asking how they are doing and whether we can talk, I experience a fear within me: fear of rejection, fear of `the end´, fear of essentially `losing´ the person / the relationship; and at the same time I realize I never `had it´ in the first place because I hadn´t allowed myself to unconditionally embrace it, to really get to know the person, and to work with what is here instead of constantly projecting my idealized convictions about how things are supposed to be. I now face the consequences of my self-delusion, as I have literally become a convict of my own convictions.
So, while this fear exists on the one hand, there is a `hope´ on the other hand that, well, perhaps the person just needs some more time, and they will then contact me and tell me that “everything is going to be okay” and that we will figure things out.

What can be seen here is a polarity design, there´s the fear and there´s the hope/desire, both polarities existing together as one: without the particular fear there wouldn´t exist the particular hope/desire, and without the particular hope/desire there wouldn´t exist the particular fear – because each polarity point (the fear and the hope/desire) is just one side of the same coin.
Fascinatingly enough, whether the fear dominates or whether the hope/desire dominates, in both cases I see that I am in a state of waiting, which is also a state of `despair´ because it feels like `I don´t know what to do, I don´t know what will happen, I am powerless´, and through the acceptance of this `state of mind´ I remain hanging about and I keep myself from being directive, from taking responsibility and making an actual directive decision and being clear about it.

So here it can be seen how within such accepted `state of mind´ and by following/accepting the fear and the hope, which becomes a `state of being´ as `despair´ and `powerlessness´, I am divided within myself, as the word “verzweifeln” indicates, existing both in fear and in hope – instead of Standing Here in self-clarity and taking the directive.

One of the reasons for my lack of directiveness in this point is, I realize, the fact that I haven´t yet been able to forgive myself for how I had allowed things to escalate by becoming more and more obsessed with the thoughts and emotions that were automatically coming up within me based on the interpretations and assumptions as well as the expectations that I had accepted and allowed myself to form and to follow.
Which means, within blaming myself I kept myself in cycles of self-judgment, regret, and negativity (which is what despair in a way is), thus I kept myself from directing this point / me towards effectively stopping the self-judgment, forgiving the regret, so as to let go, and establish a fresh starting-point: this is who I am, this is where I stand and this is what I stand for. So I will walk as it, and give it to myself, breath by breath.

I will continue in the next post(s) and will share self-forgiveness and self-corrective commitments.

ART by Kelly Posey

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