In my previous blog I wrote that whatever we judge is in fact showing us a point of self-judgment we hold within ourselves.
Yesterday I fell into the trap of my bubble of ego again, and this showed me (again, and unfortunately too late) how the thoughts and perceptions we generate within the back of our head as back-chat: cannot be trusted; as back-chat exists in automated thought-patterns that in turn trigger responses as emotions, feelings, moods, attitudes, which we then try to 'validate' and 'justify' through further back-chat -- creating in the mind a fuzzy logic designed to 'validate' and ‘support’ self-righteousness and self-interest, in other words Ego.
So what happened is, I had met with my friend F. and when we parted I asked when we should meet again, knowing that F. has a week off from work. F. did not answer my question directly but said “we’ll see, I have some things to do, I don’t know... you know where I live, call me”. So from here, I had this thought that my friend does not want to spend time with me otherwise we could directly schedule something; and then I had the feeling that I am always the one to set a meeting and that I invest more into it than F., and from this thought the feeling was triggered that the situation is unfair and why should I care so much. From this, the thought emerged that F. doesn't really care, and then I felt 'used' and 'tired of it all' and felt like I don't want to invest in this anymore as I always end up disappointed, I had had enough... such and similar thoughts started cycling in my mind as back-chat, which placed me in the position of a ‘victim’ and F. as the one to ‘blame’.
This happened at the train station where I was taking the train to work, and as I got on the train the thoughts and energetic experience accumulated, and instead of stopping myself and making sure I let it go before I proceed to any action, I made the mistake of writing a message to F. saying in a few words that I was disappointed and had enough of investing into this friendship.
In that moment, I experienced a 'silence' in the mind, a relief - but it didn't last long until I realized that that wasn't actual silence or relief, because I wasn’t in fact seeing and realizing my ‘role’ within it all and how I had created the whole experience but was instead projecting the whole thing onto my friend thus abdicating my responsibility.
When I saw that, I went into guilt and self-judgment, realizing that the point doesn't get resolved by me externalizing my reaction/my issue onto my friend.
I regretted having sent the message and realized I should have resolved the issue within myself first and get myself to actual silence/clarity before I take any action or share any words about my experience.
It’s fascinating to see how persuasive the back-chat in my head was, how persuasive the energetic experience was that had taken over me in that moment completely - I was trapped within a mind construct which, to make matters worse, is not that unfamiliar to me, and in that moment I was unable to see or consider anything beyond that!
Seeing how the nature of the back-chat was so 'persuasive', I cannot but realize that no matter what the mind brings up, and especially when there is an energetic experience connected to it : it cannot be trusted!
I am flagging this point LOUD AND CLEAR for myself - because I really don't want to mess up my relationships, I really don't want to hurt people in my world with words of blame and judgment, and I really don't want to find myself in this loop of self-sabotage.
Another point to flag is blame and judgment, because really, I ALWAYS find (after I've allowed myself to take the time and look at things for what they are) that what I judge others for, I do as well, one way or another. ALWAYS.
What I am realizing, is that whenever I allow back-chat to create my reality and experience, I am going into a state of mind where it's only about what "I need", what "I get"... it's all about "me, me, me", whereby I as the mind go into a cycle of: self-victimization through projecting blame onto others - regret of my behavior and fear of having fucked everything up - guilt upon realizing the selfish nature I had allowed myself to become - self-judgment by reversing the blame onto myself - until inevitably I find the only solution is to forgive myself, let go of all the above (blame, regret, fear, guilt, self-victimization) and find practical ways to Stop myself from re-creating such experience/reality through my participation in the automated back-chat of the mind.
What I want to lay out for myself, is the Mind Construct in its timelines of thoughts and emotional reactions, meaning the singular steps of "he said - she said - I thought - I felt etc. -- so as to have a blueprint I can identify whenever such experience comes up, BEFORE I start following it and participating in it, BEFORE I start believing the back-chat and set out to 'validate' it!
Writing it out, for me to clearly see the steps I follow while I drive myself into this vicious cycle - so as to be able to STOP myself in time, BEFORE I enter it.
Through laying out the mind construct, I can identify the trigger points (be it words I hear, situations I enter, or thoughts that come up) and the automated reactions that are thereby triggered: so as to be able to STOP myself from 'pulling the trigger' and from sentencing myself through sentences in the back-chat of my mind.
Flagging the trigger points is like assigning a point with a red flag going “Attention attention! This situation / word / thought indicates prospective fuck-up if I allow myself to react in an automated response. Stop and Breathe!”
A vital point is obviously the practical self-corrective application in the actual moment. So what do I want to do? First of all, to in that moment SLOW DOWN. Realize: I am facing a reaction. I know this reaction, it is not new. I know the personality that attempts to ‘validate’ and ‘justify’ the inner experience that boils up within. I know the consequences. I know the fuck-up. But I am Here. I have a choice. I can Stop, let it go, forgive, move on.
If it’s persistent, I can use writing as venting. Become that personality in writing, rant and rave and spit it all out until the energy runs out. Take a breather. Read through it in self-honesty: then I can see things for what they are and recognize what it was that I had allowed myself to go into. And once the ‘game’ has a ‘name’, it’s easier to see and determine that This is not who I want to be, this is not How I want to Live!
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve the automated thought patterns that emerge as back-chat in my mind, instead of realizing that the back-chat in my mind is the ego-personality of myself trying to ‘win’ every situation to boost its ‘worth’ and ‘value’ in the mind through power-games and self-righteousness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization, not realizing that such application is an expression of ego as the conditioned self-consciousness I have accepted and allowed myself to become throughout my life.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to Stop the back-chat, but have instead followed the back-chat in an attempt to 'validate' and 'justify' the experience of myself - not considering that the experience of myself is a triggered reaction of energetic nature that only seeks to satisfy self-interest and self-righteousness.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to Stop the moment I saw myself going into projections of blame towards another, since I know and do realize that blame towards others always indicates the abdication of self-responsibility and accepted ‘inferiority’ within self, from which the cycles of self-victimization emerge.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to the mind as automated pilot to drive my decisions, my words and my actions - instead of standing-up within myself in self-equality and being the one to self-honestly determine and direct my decisions, my words and my actions in every moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become equal to and one with Ego as self-consciousness to such an extent, that I have failed to see another's starting-point, another's needs, another's situation; I have failed to care for another, and how could I, since I in that moment of conflict/friction did not even care for myself as life, but only for the 'validation' and 'justification' of my ego-personality as the mind construct that was activated within and as me based on past programming and accepted self-definitions of ‘inferiority’.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define my value and worth based in polarity, which implies the need for comparison and competition and ideas of 'more than' and 'less than', all of which is taking place in the mind and is designed to satisfy only self-interest as ego, as that which I've accepted and allowed myself to identify with in that moment of conflict/friction.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider the 'persuasive' nature of back-chat which will bring-up any fuzzy logic to 'validate' and 'justify' the experience of the ego-personality.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to (even though I have witnessed and fell victim to the unacceptable nature of back-chat as ego) Stop myself in time, before I place faith and belief to what automatically comes-up in my mind.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to Stop myself from going into 'victim-hood', even though I have already witnessed and experienced the dire consequences of allowing myself to victimize myself and from there 'attack' others in an attempt to 'balance-out' my experience of myself and the accepted 'inferiority' I was experiencing -
which goes to show the nature of the mental/ego as the trap of polarity, whereby in the end we are like the snake that bites its own tail: we are doing it to ourselves, we are abusing ourselves and others equally, and are not in fact LIVING but only playing games -
the power-games that were imprinted onto us throughout our lifetime in the world system as ‘way of life’, and thus this 'way of life' comes-up ‘naturally’ in the mind and in our behaviour as the automated mind constructs of our personalities that we formed in our process of fitting in and coping with the world;
and by following and acting-out such mind constructs made-up of conditioned thoughts, emotions, feelings and moods as the personalities we identify with: we become more and more a personality only, a mind construct acting-out, instead of a living-being LIVING by directing itself in self-awareness as life and common sense self-determination.
I commit myself to investigating and flagging the trigger points to which I react, so that I may in the moment Stop myself from reacting, realizing that reacting automatically would be to exist in the past replaying the patterns of the past and not in fact responding to the here-now moment in self-honesty.
I commit myself to slowing down and breathing the moment I experience the slightest reaction within myself, so that I may bring myself back Here and take the self-directive power in my hands to lead myself to clarity in self-honesty, without blaming, victimizing or inferiorizing myself or others.
I commit myself to - in the moment I notice the slightest reaction within myself - Stop and bring myself back Here, breathe, slow down, and make sure that I have seen, realized and understood the point my experience / my reaction reveal to me; so that I may take self-responsibility, Stop myself from reacting and bring myself to self-clarity and a responsible response to the situation, without blaming, judging, or victimizing myself or others.
I commit myself to Stop rushing, as I realize that rushing is an energetic build-up experience that tends to lead me to following and believing the mind, following and believing the pettiness of Ego as it presents itself to me in the back-chat of my mind trying to ‘validate’ itself in self-righteousness and self-interest. I realize that in that moment of following and believing the back-chat /the personality – I BECOME it; it is what exists within me through my acceptance and allowance of the ‘ways of the world, this world system, what we call ‘life’.
Yet I see, realize and understand that what we call ‘life’ is not life in fact, it is a way of life brainwashed into us through all systems of this world so that we keep the system running through conflict and friction.
Within and without, it is a system that feeds off of the substance of life: Just like on the bigger scale the world-system feeds off its people through money as profit and self-interest, on the smaller scale the individual mind-system as ego in self-interest feeds off the living flesh through energetic power-games of polarity. And so we are not in fact Living, but we are consuming ourselves and each-other in an endless conflict of interests.
Life is in fact Giving. Ego is always Taking.
So what will we be?
I commit myself to in every moment remind myself of my decision to be Life, to be Giving, to be Equal, to be Here in every breath, to support Life – and so I commit myself to in every moment reiterate and reinforce my decision for Life, made visible through my actions and words I speak and who I am within that.
And as I train myself to stand for Life, I do not allow myself to wallow in regret, guilt or self-judgment whenever I make a mistake or fall into the trap of the mind – but stand-up directly to forgive and let go and reinforce my commitment, as I realize that every breath counts – with every breath we accumulate ‘who we are’ and therefore it is futile to waste breath on self-judgment, guilt or regret. Rather realize the fall, flag the points for future reference, and stand-up to walk in self-respect.
It is painful to see the truth of ourselves, but that is no excuse for avoiding to reveal and expose the actuality of reality as ourselves – because if we don’t see who we are we cannot see how we are creating this world and how we are creating our children in our image and likeness who then will in turn re-create the same world system over and over again. And since we all agree that this world cannot continue as is –
we really do have to get over our egos, and start supporting ourselves and each-other as life, start transforming our relationships into relationships of self-honest communication and support, so that w may bring forth a new world where the value is LIFE and therefore no power-games are required nor personality-suits to ‘fit’ the system. We can be who we are as life and learn to express and expand without the limitations imposed onto us by an inner and outer system of fear, greed and exploitation that literally forces us into survival-mode.
It’s time we stop the fear of survival, both in the consciousness of the self and in the system of the world.
It’s time we stop surviving and start Living; take the Dare to discover who we really are as Life.
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