Day 16: Relationships of Destruction Manifest this World – It’s "Too Much"

Self-Suppression out of Fear of being 'Too Much':

I noticed there are moments where I will fear calling my partner or sharing myself, out of fear of being 'too much'.

This occurs especially when/after there's been an incident that was quite intense or where I have been quite demanding. Then I create this idea within my head that my partner's had enough of me and I should not bother him with anything else, because what if it gets 'too much' for him and he decides to stop the relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions about my reality - instead of realizing that without direct communication, I am always only interpreting things through the filters of my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'too much', which implies that I am on the one hand underestimating my world /my partner and on the other hand I am suppressing and restricting myself in an act of self-compromise to prevent 'loss'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear of loss, instead of realizing that life does not own, life does not possess, life does not fear - it is the mind that creates these concepts and by following the mind and becoming the mind: we diminish ourselves, we suppress the life within ourselves and give our power away to the mind to direct and dictate who we are through what we are directed to do through the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself to 'fit' another or 'fit' a relationship - when that is the very point that is often later used to 'end' a relationship as one blame the other /the relationship for one's own diminishment, when in fact it was self-inflicted from the beginning.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'too much' for another - when in fact the statement of 'too much' is only reflecting my own consciousness, my own experience, my own definitions and mind constructs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted the concept of ‘too-much-ness’ as real when in fact I can see it is an excuse utilized to not have to go into the nitty-gritty of our creation and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that based on the principle of oneness and equality we are always facing ourselves ‘equal and one’, and therefore what we are faced with in every moment is ‘equal and one’ to and as who we are and can therefore never be ‘too much’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to consider that the perception of ‘too much’ is a result of postponement and procrastination; that the perception of ‘too much’ is the compounded accumulation of the moments we denied and suppressed, the moments we did not dare to face and direct ourselves in self-honesty; and therefore that things can never be ‘too much’ when we effectively and in self-honesty face and direct every moment as it is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am ‘too much’ and I must be careful to not be 'too much', that I must a 'reasonable' person and remain within the 'reasonable' spectrum of what is 'known and acceptable' within this world/system in order to be worthy and accepted; and that if I am in any way different, I will be rejected, cast out, excluded.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection, when that very fear is revealing to me that I have rejected myself, I have not accepted myself here as life, but have measured myself upon the 'values' of this world and the systems we exist within, systems that do not value life, and yet I wish to be valued as life by others when I myself am not valuing myself as life but measuring myself against systems of this world.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to accept myself as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and suppress myself and then blame another/my world for my diminishment and self-restriction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed fear to determine who I am and what I will share of myself with others - instead of realizing that within that I am existing as self-consciousness only, based in fear and set out to 'win' self-validation through 'acceptance' from others; instead of realizing that life requires no 'validation' as it is here, and that it is up to me to accept myself and live THAT which I want to validate as myself, make real as myself, manifest as myself as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to seek 'acceptance' outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to share myself unconditionally out of fear of being rejected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the fear of 'destroying things'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret about the things I destroyed in my life, the things I witnessed being destroyed in my life without me being able to do something about it; and within this I created a fear of things being destroyed, and as I gave into this fear I created a life where I do not allow myself to fully embrace things, because “what if they get destroyed” - then I am again faced with: 'loss'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within a 'protection'-mode, wherein I protect myself from ‘loss’ - instead of realizing that within that, I am preventing myself from touching life, from living unconditionally, from walking every moment as it is here, from embracing life as myself and everyone/everything in my world unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within a cycle of destruction-hate-regret, wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and hate myself for everything that 'went wrong' in my life (from the marriage of my parents to the death of my father to my relationships with my mother and my family and world), then regret how I let it all happen (even though there was things that were beyond my influence) and then 'punish' myself through further destruction and negativity - instead of once and for all forgiving myself and moving on to truly Live, Expand, Express, and support others to do so as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that others/my world has to forgive me first, before I can forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try and abdicate my responsibility of forgiveness to someone/something outside of myself - waiting to be forgiven and 'validated' as 'worthy of forgiveness' before I can forgive myself.

I have lately begun to realize how I have existed in cycles of negativity and self-sabotage, cleverly constructed in the mind as the mind, creating a certain personality with certain value-judgments and mental-emotional perceptions about myself and my world that have been set to 'validate' my existence/experience, to 'validate' how I feel and that I have the 'right' to feel this way "because I am so fucked up", to 'validate' the abuse/self-abuse as a form of 'punishment' for the pain I've witnessed and/or manifested in my world...

I clearly see how I exist as self-consciousness and that it is not supporting me as life, not supporting life as a whole, not supporting the change I want to see in my world.

It is tough, and painful, to see what I see - yet I wouldn't want it any other way. I would not have preferred my eyes to remain closed to the truth of myself. Therefore in spite of the pain, the shame and regret I am facing - I am grateful for seeing and realizing HOW I've been existing, HOW I've been keeping myself in check, HOW I've been trying to control my existence, HOW I've been sabotaging myself and keeping myself imprisoned within patterns of the mind system as image and likeness of this world system.

Because only through Seeing and Acknowledging what is here and how it was created - are we able to bring forth a change in the world that will be Best for All.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for all the destruction I have witnessed and experienced in my life, including my parents' failed marriage and my father's death, and within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create self-punishment within self-sabotage wherein I have tried to eliminate pain and suffering with further pain and suffering - instead of simply learning from the failures and the pain I have seen to understand how this consciousness reality operates and from that understanding to become the solution for myself and my world and the children to come.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the failures of my world and my own failures throughout my life - instead of realizing that such self-definition is of the mind-system as a point of 'identity'/ 'identification'/self-consciousness that keeps me trapped within limitation through cycles of self-sabotage and self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that by remaining within self-loathing in a polarity of self-pity and self-punishment, I am in fact keeping the world running as we know it as a system of abuse, deception and abdication of responsibility, where division and separation are the ways of the world and existence is divided into 'friends' and 'enemies', defined through value-judgments, blame, revenge.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame my world for my experience of pain, and to in a way try and take revenge for the pain through further pain - instead of realizing that I am doing it to myself, as I am not separate from my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where we exist divided and conquered by our own hand, where we separate ourselves from each-other and hurt each-other, not seeing that what we do to our world, we are doing to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a world where, as we can see from history, we are trying to solve our problems through blame, revenge, punishment - not seeing that by doing so we keep history repeating and merely shifting responsibilities around, when in fact we are all equally responsible for what is here as this existence, because our existence is manifested as an outflow of how WE exist and co-exist in every moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within the mind as consciousness which is formed by this world as the image and likeness of this world - and therefore I should have realized that no real substantial solution can ever come from the considerations of the consciousness we have become, as the goal of consciousness is to sustain and validate itself in separation from life, in spite of all the evidence that its existence is a bubble of self-delusion created from the past to validate the past and thus creating the future from the past which is always only the re-creation of the past –

and so we as humanity are enslaved in patterns of the past re-played in the present creating the future as the past, whereby the forms and shapes and pictures may be changing, but the patterns remain in essence the same, and that is why we are seeing no actual evolution, but only the externalization of our own consciousness as the system we have accepted as 'life', the rules and laws of which we have made to the 'laws of our being' in spite of all the evidence that we are enslaving ourselves and each-other by the very acceptance of these rules as if that was the only to exist and co-exist in this reality.

I commit myself to stopping the fear that keeps me bound to rules of engagement that do not serve life.

I commit myself to making clear to myself and my world that fear is an irrational construct brainwashed into everybody by the system to make sure we serve the system and never change.

I commit myself to utilizing fear as an indication that change is required; utilizing fear as an opportunity to move through the illusion of my self-delusion and do what requires to be done so that life as who I am is set free and all life is set free from the chains of the current system as it exists within and without.

I commit myself to stopping myself from following patterns of self-abuse, self-diminishment, self-regret; and standing-up from the pit of regret in the realization that only I can make that choice within myself, only I can give life to myself, only I can stop that which is unacceptable in the face of life, only I can make myself worthy of life and re-create myself and my world based on principles that honor and support life; so that we may once and for all put an end to the rules of the current system that keep everyone enslaved in fear, denial, suppression and separation.

I commit myself to exposing the rules of this world as the patterns we have accepted and allowed ourselves and our world to be enslaved within, so that I may see and all may see HOW we have been keeping this prison 'alive' while we have been 'dead'; so that I may see and all may see HOW we have been the ones imprisoning ourselves and each-other as our world into infinity patterns of vicious circles causing the exploitation of life and the diminishment of ourselves while we exist in bubbles of consciousness separate from life as a whole and deny our responsibility for ourselves and our world.

I commit myself to investigating the patterns of life-abuse that I and my world exist within, to clearly see what it is that must be stopped for LIFE to prevail as heaven on earth for ALL.

I commit myself to stopping self-suppression and self-segregation in all possible ways, so that I may expand and express and be a living example of life standing-up from the pit of the mind.

I commit myself to investigating and exposing the separation of ourselves from life, through the investigation of my own role within this - so that all may see that we exist, though uniquely, yet collectively trapped within the same patterns of consciousness; and that therefore we are, each-one for oneself and all of us together, able to reform the patterns of our existence into a living-creation that will truly be equal to life and will support all life equally in all possible ways.

I commit myself to stopping all blame I hold within myself, both against myself and against my world, as I clearly see from history that blame is not getting us anywhere, as blame is equal to the abdication of our responsibility and results to whining and diminishing ourselves without ever taking responsibility and being The One to stop, stand-up and change.

I commit myself to Response-Ability, therefore I accept myself as Able to appropriately and effectively Respond to what is here as myself and my world - since I realize that seeing and acknowledging what goes 'wrong' is the first step to stopping it and making things 'right', starting with ourselves.