Day 11: Bringing myself back to What is Here - Working with What is Here

As I am still finding myself very much in the survival mode of not having enough money to have actual choices in life, I am looking for a solution to the reaction of 'panicking' about 'not making it' in this world - which is obviously to stop the fear, stop the panic, stop the backchat and look at what is here, to consider the practical possibilities of how to best work with what is here.

Since I can remember I was trying to do things on my own and be 'independent', especially as a form of rebelling against the over-protectiveness of my mother who used to want to do things FOR me, arrange things FOR me, design my life FOR me - and in that she would in a way take away my responsibility, which I then always tried to 'take back' and 'prove'.

Today, ironically, I sometimes find myself wishing for someone to 'mother' me, or wishing for a father to just be here for me, and I find myself all alone in my world, having to actually take responsibility for myself.

I always wanted to be alone and make it alone, as I had mistaken that for 'freedom' and 'independence' - not wanting to acknowledge and accept the fact that life is interdependent and that we have to work together in this world.

I feared interdependence as I perceived it as dependency, all the while I was creating an actual dependency to the concept of 'independence' and 'freedom' within my mind.

In my younger years I often fell victim to bullying and spitefulness and so I manifested a fear of people and started avoiding people out of fear of being ridiculed, fear of rejection, fear of that experience of inferiority and awkwardness that I experienced as a child and young adult.

So I effectively pushed everything and everyone away from me throughout my life and I attempted to walk a path of 'self-enlightenment' through the mind. Needless to say I had a rude awakening, especially once I came across Desteni and realized the delusional and self-righteous beliefs I was caught up within - realizing the delusion of beliefs in general for that matter. I saw that I had created myself an alternate reality based on pretence, wishful-thinking and an imposed 'positivity', whose only purpose was to hide and suppress the actual experience of myself in relation to the actuality of my reality.

After I spent three years on the Desteni farm where I woke up from several of my self-delusions, as well as woke up to several points of my own truth as what I had become yet denied throughout my life, I decided to 'return to the matrix' to test who I am and to make the best out of myself in a process of standing equal to the system as the only way to change the system into something that will be best for all.

Now - over a year has passed and I am finding myself still unequal to the system. I have not been able to mingle with people to the extent I would have liked to and establish myself as a presence of self-equality, plus I am trapped within survival conditions that do not allow for choices and expansion towards something that would place me in a position of responsibility.

Seeing this and observing my reaction to the point, that's where I start considering that perhaps I am looking too 'far away', perhaps I am enslaving myself to unconscious accepted beliefs and ideas about what taking responsibility entails, about what walking the world matrix entails, about what 'making it' or being 'effective' in this world entails.

Perhaps I am looking at idealized concepts of myself and the world - instead of looking at what is here and how I can best work with what is here.

Therefore - let me bring the point back here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my life to other people’s lives in this world - wherein through comparison I perceive that I don't have anything while others have everything in terms of chances and support in this world, obviously failing to consider that everyone is walking their own consequences and facing their own creation as themselves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my life to ideas and ideals of 'effectiveness' and 'success' as they exist within my mind, brainwashed into me through movies, media, the consumer-society and the money-system of this world – instead of working with the actuality of my reality to get myself to a point of self-equality and oneness as starting-point of a trans-formation, a new creation, a correction of all that which I have allowed to bind and define me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to accept a money-system that imposes onto us ideas and concepts of 'success' and 'failure' based in fake values of the mental in inequality, while disregarding the physical reality we all equally share.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within despair and anxiety towards my life/me in the world, based on judgments I have accepted and/or created about myself and the world rooted in the morality of polarity as the mind-control philosophy of this world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire some 'profound' experience to feel better about myself, something to give me ‘more worth’ - instead of realizing that I am obviously walking the manifested consequences of myself; meaning that what I am faced and confronted with is the result of my own acceptances and allowances, the result of my participation or non-participation throughout my life, the result of my own judgment, self-judgment and accepted fear – and therefore it is to stop the judgment, stop the fear and make myself worthy of life as life in self-responsibility and self-dignity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept and manifest fear in relation to this world matrix, wherein I've allowed myself to exist in accepted 'inferiority' towards the world system and have been constantly attempting to 'redeem myself' through superimposing an apparent 'superiority', in a way trying to stand above things, which is like trying to stay above water and not sink: which obviously takes a lot of effort and uses up a lot of energy, which I would not have needed to engage into had I only accepted what is here as me. Therefore the solution is to first accept what is here as me and stand within and as self-equality and oneness, to then walk in humbleness and humility the process of re-forming what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mode of trying to 'prove' myself - rooted in inferiority patterns of the past from when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize and accept self-equality and oneness, bringing myself 'down to the essence' of my creation as what I am faced and confronted with - realizing that it is from this point of self-equality and oneness only that I'll be able to make relevant and informed decisions towards a self-correction that will redeem life in all possible ways.

I commit myself to walking this process of removing the accepted mind-control as fears, beliefs and self-definitions that are rooted in polarity judgments passed onto us by the generations before - because I can see within the history of mankind that such judgments are only causing history to repeat without considering life as a whole; such judgments are only causing the repetition of patterns of separation, self-interest and greed/fear, both on the bigger scale as the world as well as the smaller scale as one’s individual life experience.

I commit myself to stopping the comparison that is manifested in all possible ways - so that I may align myself to oneness and equality of life within the starting-point of self-equality and oneness - which implies the self-forgiveness of the accepted consciousness patterns that keep us enslaved in separate bubbles of the mental, the end of suppression and denial about who we are and what the world is, and the taking of full self-responsibility for who we are, how we exist and what we are creating through our participation in every breath.

I commit myself to stopping myself from following the preprogrammed ideas and ideals of the mind in relation to ‘who I am’ and ‘who I should be’ in this world.

I commit myself to effectively working with what is here, instead of projecting and superimposing the mental onto the physical, because I realize that such application is only manifesting more delusion and consequences.

I commit myself to getting to self-clarity about where I stand and what I am walking - getting to self-honesty and applying practical common sense to support myself in standing-up as life in self-dignity, thus within this also placing myself in a position of being able to support my world and others in my world that find themselves in similar situations.

I commit myself to stopping anxiety and any reactions towards my life and my experience of myself - realizing that what I am facing is simply the manifested consequences of myself that I require to walk through, because it is the result and outflow of who I have been and how I have existed; realizing that it will take some time of corrective application to re-form the patterns of existence into that which is best for all and to walk myself into and as self-trust, self-worth, self-dignity and self-enjoyment.

I commit myself to investigating the beliefs and ideas that govern my mind - to debunk all delusion and get myself to practical common sense, working with what is here to purify what is here.

I commit myself to investigating the universal beliefs and ideas that we've accepted and allowed to enslave existence - to debunk all delusion and bring forth common sense so that all may see and realize the necessity to stop, stand-up and re-form this existence into something that is worthy of life, a world that is best for all life equally.