Sonntag, 11. Mai 2014

Day 511 | Relationships & Expectations

I noticed that in the last couple of days I’ve been taking a look at my cellphone and thinking there may be a message from him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to EXPECT a message or phone call from him – or also thinking that surely he will soon be contacting me – and that I haven’t within that realized that what I’m doing is expecting him to give direction as to ‘the next step’ to be taken in the context of that particular relationship.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone directing the point within myself and coming to a decision, which -if I would- would manifest a self experience wherein I am no longer in a state of waiting, thinking and believing or even hoping that when/once he calls/talks to me things will change/be directed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect change from others while abdicating my self-responsibility for change.
Therefore I commit myself to take self responsibility here and look at what I have created of and as ‘him’ within my mind; what I have created of and as ‘the relationship’ within my mind; as well as what I have created as myself in the context of this particular relationship.
And I can see that none of that is supportive because my starting-point has been a form of validation as in acceptance or love or caring – but in essence of Responsibility because I wasn’t taking the responsibility to give to myself acceptance, love, caring, within living self-acceptance, self-love, and caring for myself.

I find the best way to look at a relationship or a point is to look at it DIRECT, blunt, to see it for what it is. Instead of ‘thinking about it’ as in having it recycle within my mind only, over and over again the same thoughts, pictures, judgments, emotional experiences, ending-up ‘feeling overwhelmed’ in the spinning of this system/construct instead of LOOKING and directing the points in practical common sense.

So let me then get to this practical common sense and let me look at this bluntly. In this relationship we have ended up not being able to effectively communicate and work together. I have accepted and allowed myself to spin the relationship within my mind based on my own ‘wants, needs, and desires’ which I deemed ‘my right’ and those ‘wants, needs, and desires’ have been in effect nothing but my EXPECTATION that another must be responsible for what I am experiencing, thus it was simply a point of self-abdication.
So here I had looked into how I had defined relationship and partnership to be something that will be savior. Or where I could be the savior. Where there was always a giving and taking that was binding the two together, and the two must be for each other and beyond that the rest is irrelevant. Because this is ‘the one’ that will make everything possible…or ‘the one’ that will unleash my true potential…

So I had abdicated my dreams and made of them expectations, but I was not giving it to myself, I was waiting for it to happen, to come to me, to be given, “because the universe loves you” or because someone really cares. And then projecting my expectation of potential unfolding into relationships, thus almost living under the belief that if I have no relationship, if I have no one to love me and care for me and be here for me, I cannot expand and reach my full potential. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed equations of limitation within myself, equations that devalue my will and my power and abdicate my Response-Ability to something/someone ‘out there’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for something else / someone else to make Me ‘more’/’better’/’fulfilled’ and that I’ve abdicated my self-directive authority to projections of myself in separation from Who I Am Here in every moment, wherein I’ve defined myself somehow as ‘not enough’ and instead of looking at this practically pragmatically and assisting and supporting myself to expand, develop, and grow, I have accepted that self-belief as ‘not being enough’ and have projected expectations of ‘being enough’ /being ‘more’ out there for Me to ‘reach’/’gain’/’attain’, separating myself from the ability to create and manifest that which I want to live, experience and express.

In previous blog posts I have worked with the word ‘enough’ and have seen/realized that actual physical expression of the word enough as in Stop, I am Full. 
And therefore I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live the word Enough as in making the absolute decision that I have had enough of self-destruction, enough of self-sabotage, enough of self-judgment, and that I will no longer accept or allow myself to go into self-pity or regret in a gesture of giving up and devaluing myself/my life.
And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire ‘something more’ in order for me to ‘feel’ valuable, to ‘feel’ worthy, to ‘feel’ that I am ‘enough’- and to in relationships EXPECT that this ‘something more’ will be given to me.
Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to entertain relationships through HOPE: hoping and waiting for my expectations to ‘come true’, for my wants/needs/desires to be ‘fulfilled’- and if you’ve come thus far then you’ll already be asking yourself as I am: How can real fulfillment ever manifest within such context of self separation?

In light of all this, I come back to the point of Self-Responsibility and I see that Self-Responsibility is the Key to ending self separation.

More on this in the next blog posts.

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