A memory of an experience I’ve been having with people
popped-up today, and that was about how I’d usually hold-back and expect the
others to approach me or to invite me, waiting for the others to take
initiative, as if thinking to myself: I don’t know how to be.
Why?
I had often looked at this behavior of mine and I did
work on changing it in terms of taking more initiative (interestingly enough I’d
often interpret people’s behavior as them not being inviting toward me, and
here it is valid to ask whether and how I am creating/manifesting this in my
life) – but I hadn’t yet asked myself Why.
So, upon looking at the Why, I found an interesting
thing: I was in fact waiting for the others to ‘define’ their relationship toward me /their
‘who I am’ BEFORE I decide who I am and what my relationship to them is.
So I gave ‘them’ the power to define ‘me’ and I
accepted and allowed my reactions to determine my relationship to them. And so
often I found myself ‘standing alone’ or feeling ‘left out’.
Within this it is clear – I have not be free. I had
made myself subject to my own thoughts about how other people see me, how they
perceive me, how they are toward me, and tried to form/adapt myself and my
behavior to fit what I was perceiving, my perception however already being
veiled by layers of patterns within my mind in relation to ‘me and other people’
that I had developed throughout my life.
It’s always been a difficult point for me – ‘other
people’. Kinda weird. In the midst of other people I always felt like wtf-am-I-doing-here.
I would observe how people treat each other as a child, and I would feel kinda
lost in terms of trying to understand the ‘rules of the game’.
You tell yourself I’m not gonna play this game, I’m
out, but you don’t yet realize that the whole world is part of ‘the game’ and
you can’t just step out of it, and you can’t just change the rules without
changing the Whole – the whole that is you, a reflection of you, an
accumulation of you, of all the you’s, perhaps humanity used to be called
you-manity and we were you-men lol
But seriously, what I mean is – you don’t realize that
your own behavior / reaction, rebellion even, is part of the very same game.
So this system I was looking at now within myself is
evidently not supporting me/life. Because this behavior does not allow me to
unconditionally express ME, to unconditionally Be Here and Look and make
decisions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to use other people to make choices/decisions in life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to wait for others to determine conditions before I position myself, to wait
for others to respond to who and how I am before I even decide who and how I am.
Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make
myself subject to the world/the others to shape me, instead of me determining
my standing, my Who I Am.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed within
myself – from childhood – the belief that “I don’t know how to be in this world”.
I forgive myself thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within my mind
make this world ‘more than’ and make me inferior, where I’d be too afraid to
look at the world as is and make a decision as to who I am and how I am going live
here, how I am going to walk my life.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take
directive, to take self-responsibility, to take the lead in my relationships
with other people.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to fear other people.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
within my mind make ‘other people’ ‘more than’ me and place myself as ‘inferior’,
so much so that I’ve given away my power/responsibility to ‘other people’ to
determine who and how I am.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to fear that other people influence my life/conditions, and instead of taking
self-responsibility in determining/directing my life/conditions I had stepped
back in my life and avoided other people, just to ‘feel like’ I am free from
other people’s influences, however within my mind and the decisions and choices
I was faced with – I’d still use my mind’s mental images of other people to
form my choices/decisions around, simply because I was looking at myself
through the eyes of others – projections of my own accepted self-definitions of
course.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to fear to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see,
realize and understand what Stand Alone practically means. It doesn’t mean to
avoid other people, it doesn’t mean to isolate oneself or try to it all by
oneself; To Stand Alone simply means that I alone carry the responsibility for
myself, my life, my choices, my decisions, my Who I am and How I Live and
co-exist. We stand alone, yet we walk together. We support each other in our
processes, but no one can make the decision to Stand-Up for you, no other can stand-up in your stead. That’s why it’s about
SELF-Responsibility – SELF-Honesty, SELF-Forgiveness, SELF-Correction.
An interesting point around Self-Forgiveness, is that
the word forgiveness is given more weight than the word self.
The word forgiveness from a system perspective is
charged with the words sin, badness, guilt, inferiority, shame. Why we don’t
see is how self-forgiveness is about SELF GIVING oneself the chance to see,
realize and understand what self has created and to release the guilt, shame
and wrongness and correct oneself – change. So, self-forgiveness is about taking
the self-responsibility to ‘right’ oneself, from a starting-point of oneness
and equality as what’s best for all. I mean if god existed, that would be god’s
nature: oneness and equality as best for all.
A similar interesting point can be observed with the
words Stand Alone:
the word alone is given more weight than the word
stand, and thus there tends to be an emotional reaction rather than the
understanding of what it means to Stand-Up and Stand.
In terms of redefining/aligning the words, one can
even look at the word Alone as All-One, and one can live it as such. In my
example here All-One can be lived in the taking of full responsibility for the
choices and decisions I make = All of me as One is Here in awareness as I make
this decision or choice and I take responsibility as I Stand Here Alone to make
this decision.
And I mean, in full awareness All parts of self would
be considered equally as One – wouldn’t from there emerge an expression of living
potential, an expression of Standing and being able to see things for what they
are, within self to begin with, and with others, to speak and act from the
depths of one’s beingness without inner conflict, in insight and understanding of
oneself and one’s world.
One can essentially look at this word – Alone /
All-One – to mean INTEGRITY.
Thus, integrity within making decisions, integrity
within making choices, integrity within determining and directing who I am and
how I am –
in Self-Responsibility which means that no ‘other’ is
to blame, no ‘other’ can be held responsible. I am the cause, thus all effect can
be traced back to the cause, me, as the source, the origin.
I take this responsibility, I accept this
responsibility, I embrace this responsibility, and I commit myself to Live this
responsibility from the small to the big, and to expand my creative power by
expanding my responsibility in life, in this world.
Check out this LifeReview – Using People to Make Choices
Excerpt:
...I would suggest – having a look at when you are making decisions – how much of it you are making based on having ‘back doors’ and others to blame – where you aren’t taking full responsibility for decisions that You make for You, Your life, your future.Because we tend to get lost sometimes, in our relationships with other people…My life could’ve turned out so much differently, if I just wasn’t afraid to stand by myself – to look at Me and My life independently –
first independently and then within the interdependence or interconnectedness. I went in reverse and first defined myself and my life through others (the interdependence or interconnectedness) and from there defined myself and my individual life.So often in our lives we do eventually find ourselves alone – because there’s no way that you can predict what’s going to happen to the people in your life, how the relationships will change, will evolve, or separate, or progress, or regress, so –
It becomes a lot more challenging or difficult within your life to keep on having your decisions be dependent on others – and that will cause you to have to constantly and continuously adapt to other people and their lives – instead of you standing on your own two feet.
Stand Alone = Stand on My Own Two Feet
which also entails full responsibility for my
decisions and choices = for myself and my life
Here we can see how Responsibility is in fact Power –
and it is LIBERATING to be able to take full responsibility for the decisions
that I make in relation to Who I Am and the Life that I’m gonna walk.
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great blog - so similar to the specific points I am facing as well - thank you
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