Montag, 2. September 2013

475 | What you Feed will Breed or: Judgment Day is Every Day

I could start writing on Syria and the attack scenarios  and the whole ‘war against terror’  conspiracy, but for now you can click the links and check out some perspectives.
What I can say right now is:

Focusing on the problem is a problem.

Both within the small as within the big one can ask oneself what is achieved by focusing on the problem.

I am standing in front of an interesting realization. I took one part/aspect of my life, a relationship, and saw a problem within it, and focused on that problem and blew it out of proportion and I manifested in the end my own nightmare, my own judgments and fears.
So now when I look at myself I see that one dimension only, that one dimension of who I am, that one dimension/aspect/relationship and what I had projected into it: ‘possessed’ me, possessed my experience, my thought processes, my judgments, my emotional reactions, my words – my entire existence.
And so now I am facing this ‘me’ that I have become within that relationship, realizing it’s not what/who I want to be, and realizing that there is no other way to move on but forgiven myself and no longer be that, through stopping self-judgment, letting go of regret and self-sabotage.
That ‘me’ is not something separate from me, I had become it, and I realize that it’s my own self-imprisonment, the walls I build around me out of fear of living, out of fear of being me, out of fear of judgment or rejection – and yet I reject myself, I judge myself, and then suspect others of doing so.
I know that I don’t have to fear who I really am because I do find common sense and the value of life within me, and yet I have allowed a part of me, a part I did not yet understand so well due to suppression, projection, denial, a part of me that existed within and as my subconscious and unconscious mind as memories and value-definitions and relationships / associations, to possess me and determine/direct what I wanted / desired / needed, how I defined myself within such want/desire/need, what I would do and say to get what I wanted / desired / needed – all based on a skewed ‘logic’ of self-interest.
So yes it can be assessed as ‘scary’ to find such existence within myself – though it shouldn’t surprise me as I recognize within it all the patterns that I was exposed to and/or observed throughout my childhood and teenage years through/with the people close to me.
Imagine, the same protection- and defense-mechanisms my people applied when they expressed/suppressed in a way that hurt, the same mechanisms I found myself applying within my relationship: self-victimization, blame, comparison paranoia, it’s just ugly. And definitely not something I want to accept or allow within me or any form of life for that matter.

So now basically the challenge I’m facing is – and I say challenge because I realize the difference between saying, believing, projecting, imagining, or trying to ‘find’ or ‘have’ self-worth, self-respect, self-acceptance; and living it – making the change/correction/transformation real and deliberately letting go of the ‘old patterns’ the moment I see them come-up within me, for I have seen and realized they do not serve me as life or others as life.

Now obviously I cannot continue judging myself, I cannot continue looking at myself, at my ‘here and now’, from the perspective of this one dimension/aspect/part of my life which was blown out of proportion and within which I had lost my focus, my self-responsibility, myself –  
which I now also realize or have to admit that, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to use the relationship as a justification for not taking self-responsibility, for not loving me, for not supporting me, for not focusing on me and who I am and am becoming.
Had I done that from the beginning, I would/could have prevented myself from becoming obsessed/possessed within relationship patterns that I existed as in my mind/consciousness and projected outwards and defined myself and my experience by…

So I faced regret.
And I am working through it, realizing obviously that self-forgiveness is the only solution, the only way forward; but that alone is not enough, because I must live the correction/change/transformation of that which I have forgiven, and also within that: embrace it as myself (realizing I had become that) and let it go – amalgamate – so that only I remain and I move forward in self-respect and dignity as life.

I realize it’s gonna take many small steps. This humbles me greatly, though I will not wallow in an idea of humbleness, but rather humbly return to the basics, to myself, to me here within and as breath/breathing, within the realization and decision that I am doing this for me, thus I give me to me, I give myself the value, give myself life, in valuing and honoring my decision through living it, and within that: valuing and honoring myself as Life, as Living.

I know this all may sound a bit ‘dramatic’ and I suppose that it because the point of relationships defined much of ‘me’ and my life. Relationships has always been an issue in my life – generally that is, relating to other people, and defining myself through the eyes of others; 

and this is a point I am taking on more consciously now in terms of being present with myself when I am alone, and being present in self-awareness when I meet people wherein I direct/move myself gently yet with determination to free myself from this resonant self-imprisonment wherein I hold judgment against myself and consequently judgment towards others; wherein I am trapped in a state of trying to fulfill something, an idea, a feeling, a desire or hope or need for validation/acceptance and thus at the same time per implication accepting ‘me here’ as ‘inferior’, ‘inadequate’ and ‘unworthy’, denying myself self-acceptance and self-worth, thus existing without self-respect, without honor.
I commit myself to assist and support myself in the living words Honor and Self-Respect, by making my decision to stop all judgment and separation and set myself free – thus to honor and respect myself – and by honoring my decision in every moment, I honor myself and show myself the respect I am worth as life, as living.

Thus I commit myself to in my relationships, in every moment of participation: slow down, be here, hear, and express, participate from a starting-point of self-respect and common sense, common interest as life, allowing myself to be ‘free’ of polarity (superiority/inferiority), to be open and direct, to be expressive, to be alive, to live and express.

I commit myself to stop perceiving and projecting inequality within relationships, as I realize that even though inequality is the root of the problem, we cannot change anything by focusing on the problem; rather it is to understand How inequality functions and exists within and as ‘who I am’ and thus transform/align who I am from a starting-point of equality, of self-support – thus also focusing on living the solution, living the realization of life in equality as oneness, step by step, breathe by breath.

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