Sonntag, 22. Dezember 2013

(485) Day Y | Do You Really Need Fixing?

So one day Bernard challenged me: You only walk process to fix yourself so that you can have a relationship. I said No! He said oh yes, you think that with a relationship you will find that feeling, that special feeling that you desire. But I don’t experience desiring a feeling, I mean I know what you mean but I don’t experience desire. Bernard said, you will, oh you will.

Fascinatingly enough I got to know desire through its opposite polarity: fear of loss.
And fascinatingly enough, I can see that I had in fact not accepted myself, I felt like I need to fix myself, in order to be acceptable, to be worthy, to be loved. And so I ‘needed’ others/another to give me / show me love and acceptance, to value me, to consider me, while I was not really considering myself. Because I was trapped in desire, in separation from myself. In fact I was trapped in the polarity construct of ‘love’, with ‘fear of loss’/’fear of less’ and ‘desire for fulfillment’/’desire for more’.

But this blog here is now about the point of ‘fixing’, and the IDEA of the ‘Need to Fix’. 

And somehow this idea of ‘fixing’ me /my life had consumed me and consumed my life and I was constantly trying to fix everything, ever since I was a child: my broken family, my father who died, my body, my hair, my self-image, my relationships, my life.

But I mean, if I'm approaching everything, beginning with MYSELF, from a starting-point of ‘need to fix’, what does that reveal? I exist in self-judgment, I exist in a state of devaluation seeking value, which in itself is absurd. I exist in a state of self-separation without self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love – because I have projected all that as a ‘desire’ ‘out there’ for me to ‘find’, ‘reach’, ‘gain’. And so I came to define myself and my life /my experience through others, through relationships, placing value in things and IDEAS in separation from myself.

“Why do you eat shit and blame yourself for it?” That was another question with which Bernard challenged me.

This brings me to the point of CHARITY. And this is another blog, the main concept being that through charity (which can be the Charity orgs in the system or a charity character one becomes as a personality that seeks ‘feeling good’ or seeing oneself as a ‘good person’ or fearing to be seen as a ‘bad person’ or fearing to be ‘worthless’ if one does not sacrifice oneself for others. But hey, it’s not that one sacrifices oneself for others, in fact one sacrifices oneself for one’s EGO, just to keep-alive an IDEA of oneself.

Here I want to elaborate more on the point of ‘Fixing’ and discuss a practical solution.

So – How to walk and live the process of self-correction / self-alignment / self equality and oneness, without looking at it as ‘fixing’, without looking at it in judgment:

I look at it from the perspective of self-determination.
If I am a being of integrity, if I am one and equal within/as myself, then a moment of ‘change’ is simply an opportunity for self-determination, self-expression, self-freedom if you will.
Within this then one also purifies the word CHANGE, because change is then no longer this big thing, this separate projection, this ‘superior’ future idea of an ‘inferior’ here-now self.

Once the polarity and separation is diffused, self is free to LIVE change in every moment, it then being simply a point of self-expression; self-determination.

Self-determination in the sense that I no longer follow automatic patterns (we do know where our patterns and habits lead us, don’t we) but instead slow-down, seize the moment, and move myself in one breath according to what/how I want to express in relation to that moment.
Self-determination also from the perspective that I must be determined to move, self-willed, otherwise the tendency will be in the favor of the pattern – the ‘power of the habit’ – and one will automatically follow the preprogrammed reaction/pattern, missing the opportunity to express, to decide, to actually move and determine ‘who I am’ in this moment here.

Another dimension of this point that I’d like to share is in relation to the question “Why”. This blog is titled Day Y: The Y stands for the “WHY” – and within this writing the question was raised “why does it seem impossible to ‘fix’ myself?”

But – who are we within asking the question “Why”?
Have a look at how we keep on ‘fixing’ and keep on ‘fixing’ – yet nothing is ever really fixed. And then we go into despair and cry “but why can’t I fix myself /my life!”

Within that, we can see the obsession of ‘having to fix’, thus already having the definition of ‘broken’, or ‘needs fixing’ as a starting point’. Having created and accepted this polarity system, we already place ourselves on a course to eternal damnation, and often walk through life like a ghost, fighting imaginary ‘problems’ while not seeing the real thing, the real issue, the real starting-point and cause of it all.

The Y within this as the symbol of an ‘I’ with its two arms lifted to the sky, crying “Why Me?”, the ultimate symbol of responsibility abdication and accepted inferiority / self-pity / self-degradation.


We are able to remove the polarity, once we see /realize /understand it, and we can ask the question WHY from a self-honest starting-point. This will open up fascinating insights

Why is this happening to me – thus how am I responsible, how did I participate in / how did I contribute to creating this? What role did I play in the whole thing? How had I defined myself and others? What ideas was I holding/accepting about myself and about others? How did I position myself in relation to this point, who was I toward and with this point in my life? What polarities are at play? What am I trying to gain / prove / avoid / protect etc.

What we can see here is that the Courage to Self-Honesty is vital, and that Self-Responsibility is Key to personal freedom.

Such problem-solution approach also shows us that Everything is Always Here. It is simply a point of purifying our words and experiences from the polarity trap and re-aligning the point(s) we are facing through self-honesty and the clarity of practical common sense / critical thinking.

If we are facing a ‘problem’, within that ‘problem’ is entailed How the problem was/is being created as well as How to transform the problem into a solution.

There is support in the process of self-honesty and self-awareness as life.

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1 Kommentar:

  1. Gracias por el apoyo! la clave es responsabilidad dentro de cada UNO y asi poder enfrentar toda esta creación que manifestamos a traves de la mente/programa , y respiro a respiro.