Samstag, 29. November 2014

Day 525 | Lifting the veil in Relationships

When we have a new relationship and especially in spending a lot of space and time together or living together - in the beginning you have the 'bliss phase' where everything is so amazing and the sex is just amazing and you want to be with each other all the time –to where you start becoming irritated, when you start seeing the weaknesses in another or when you're not getting what you want, or how you want it, or when you want it….

A friend was talking to me about this recently, and I have had similar experiences/reactions within relationships. When I heard my friend ‘blaming the partner’ and ‘feeling powerless’, I remembered what I had found for myself as an inherent/conditioned pattern/state – where I had the tendency to see/experience (and thus also place) myself as the ‘victim’, whose needs and desires are not being fulfilled ‘as expected’ - and ‘the victim’ is now throwing an ‘inner tantrum’ because it's not getting what it wants.

What I could see, realize and understand through investigating this pattern is that I was expecting things/responses from another but I wasn't communicating them effectively, so the other had difficulty understanding me and being with me. I often felt like the other was not understanding me, but what I wasn't seeing (BECAUSE I was in the victim-role) is that I was seeing/placing (and thus also using) my partner as 'the fulfiller'; in this I saw that I was abdicating my self responsibility and was projecting it onto my partner. And also, this kept me from really seeing and understanding my partner for who they are and what they experience and the process they go through.

Within this whole pattern of co-dependency and self-abdication, I saw how the 'failure' and 'disappointment' was already programmed in.
There’s several things I learned:

I realized that I wasn't being clear and direct with another, rather I was trying to manipulate the other’s responses to 'get what I want' so that I can 'feel worthy' or feel that things are ‘fair’.
I also found that I was actually the one creating the very negative experiences I was fearing/expecting. And there was something like always expecting to be disappointed/betrayed/not given 'the attention I need'.

So what I then realized is, I must take absolute responsibility for myself and my life - and give ME attention, give My Life attention the it needs.

Interestingly enough, in the responses I was expecting from my partner - I was wanting/desiring attention, acceptance, care; but I found I wasn't LIVING those things for myself, I wasn't giving them to myself and so I was looking for that outside of myself. And when I didn't get them I was feeling sorry for myself - which also shows the value/worth that I was giving myself (or rather, NOT giving).

So another thing I learned is that first I must 'give it' - then I can 'receive it'.

The practical self-correction I realized was to 'give it to myself', like, I looked at what is it really that I want, what do I want to experience, what do I want to create - and then find ways to express that, to live that – by taking responsibility for it, as myself. Also by communicating myself more clearly to others = in a direct way, instead of trying to manipulate emotionally.

I found that by placing myself in the position of 'the giver' (the giver first and foremost to ME, to MY LIFE and LIVING) - I can take back my responsibility and thus also my power. This is totally different from the disempowerment I had experienced in that relationship-pattern.

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