Samstag, 14. April 2012

Day 1: Waking Up from the Depression

Waking up and the sun shines. An awkward feeling comes over me, as if I’m comparing myself to the sun. Imagining how people wake up to the sun and feel happy and motivated, while I compare my own state of being with that imagination in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel down and depressed out of an idea of ‘high’ and ‘happy’ that I compare myself to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when the sun shines I should ‘normally’ be all ‘happy’ and ‘high’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is a failure, a fuck-up, and to wake up in the morning with a feeling of anxiety towards living.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach life/living from a starting-point of anxiety, which – as I see now – is rooted in ideas of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, wherein I judge myself as ‘failure’ and think that I should be more ‘successful’.
Whereby I have defined ‘success’ and ‘failure’ in relation to how I perceive myself and how I think and believe others perceive me – which also reveals a point of comparison and thus competition.
Wherein in fact I am competing with ideas of myself in the mind, ideas of life, ideas of success and failure – instead of simply realizing that I am walking the manifested consequences of myself, of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and define myself as.

Manifested consequences are just that, they need not be seen as ‘bad’ or ‘good’. The mere realization that how I have existed has not actually been really supporting me as life = in expanding myself, expressing myself, breaking through any limitations and perceptions of polarity,  is opening up the opportunity to simply take this realization and start the actual process of self-forgiveness: of letting go of all judgment, polarity and mental concepts of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, and simply start living the purification of myself as I change my participation into practical-living that is best for life.

Looking at the manifested consequences of myself, looking at my life and how I experience myself in general, what I see is a point of isolation, a point of withdrawal. I look at the point of people and relationships throughout my life and I see that I never really cared for creating relationships, never really approached people from the perspective of ‘getting together’ or forming something that is truly actually supportive as best for all. When I saw that, I first started judging myself and going into guilt, and then I realized that this also is not a solution. I must forgive myself this pattern of isolation and separation and start seeing people as part of me, part of this world I am equal to, part of the same system I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and manifest as the very reality we all share day in and day out.

What I am realizing is that this depression upon waking up is a reaction towards facing the manifested consequences of myself – whereby the solution is simply to realize that there is no way out of this, there is no escaping from self, and that even within the process of self-forgiveness and changing/transforming the accepted patterns and behaviours that led to the current creation I am facing: there will be a time where I have to walk through the consequences that are the outflow of my life thus far, the outflow of all the acceptances and allowances that I accumulated breath by breath.

And breath by breath I will walk through the consequences and I am able to utilize the realization of such consequences to understand what I have created, how I have created it (through what acceptances, what behaviourisms, what ideas and assumptions) and thus how I am able to stop all that which is not supporting life, to stop all that which is an expression of fear, of judgment, of separation, of ego.

So, breath by breath, I walk, I forgive, I realize that what I am facing in the present is the past. And that to change the future I have to forgive the past in the present, let go of the past in every present moment, and live a new-expression, a purification of the past in every here-moment, as I am here, and therefore I am the determining factor of my reality, within and without.

So – depression can be utilized as a flag-point to stop. To stop suppressing ourselves and succumbing to emotional moods that are the result of the backchat in our secret mind – and to start de-pressing the layers of consciousness under which we hide. To finally start opening up, start seeing the truth of ourselves, start forgiving the abuse and self-sabotage we’ve been existing as; and start expanding into and as LIFE – practical living best for all.

When and as I see myself going into depression, I stop, I breathe, and I remind myself that this depression is but a reaction to the present that is of the past, a reaction to the consequences of myself, a reaction based in judgment, polarity, fear and self-sabotage – and therefore I stop the reaction, I stop self-judgment, I breathe, I stand up and I start walking, breath by breath, in self-forgiveness, until it’s done and neither ‘high’ nor ‘low’ remains; until only I remain, pure, present, blank, ready to take on this whole existence that is myself and live it into a new creation that is best for life in all possible ways.

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