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| ART by Bastian Neumann |
This is continuing from
Day 186: Name the Game - Laying out the Mind CONstruct
Day 187: Be_Longing * The Absurdity of Longing to Belong
Day 188: Be_Longing * The Trap of Infinity
For further context see also
Day 184: Facing the Consequences of Following the Mind
Day 185: Value Issues & Consequences of Running on ENERGY
Here I am looking at the thought dimension of the pattern, and thus far I had gathered the following thoughts:
I am not receiving attention
I am not good enough / not interesting enough
I am left alone – feel lonely/left alone
They don’t love me
I can’t trust them
I am miserable / feeling sorry for self
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not receiving attention and that therefore this must mean that I am not good enough.
Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘ alone’ and ‘lonely’ and ‘miserable’ and to go into a ‘negative’ self-experience which I start believing more and more, and the more I think of it the more ‘real’ it seems.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project conclusions from my childhood onto my entire life and to exist within conclusions that I have made in the past, when I did not have any tools or any practical common sense support to realize that whatever another does or however another behaves and reacts, one does not have to take it personally – and that whatever one takes personally, one has actually already accepted about self within self.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to in my thoughts blame others for ‘making me feel’ ‘unloved’ or ‘unworthy’ – and within that I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my self-worth subject to other people’s reactions and feedback –
instead of assisting and supporting myself to accept me here as worthy as life and to develop self-trust within and as who I am, without requiring my ‘value’ to be defined or validated by ‘others’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that others don’t love me and that I cannot trust them, if I don’t ‘get the feeling’ that they care –
refusing however to see that I have placed conditions as to what it is ‘to care’, based on early childhood experiences, and that within it all I am not allowing myself to see and get to know another being because all I am focused on is what I am getting.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self-interest, in the mind, based on IDEAS about what ‘love’ and ‘care’ is and should be – instead of assisting and supporting myself to explore what it means to actually care, from the starting-point of who I really am, thus developing self-care and self-love to begin with, to then be able to get to know another as an equal and explore what it means to care for another as self, as life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in what will satisfy my mind, instead of first of all getting to trust myself within and as who I really am, to then explore what trust really is –
because obviously trust does not yet exist in this world, otherwise we could all be trusted with life and life would be something where no abuse, no deception, no manipulation, no exploitation would be accepted or allowed.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand what the thoughts that come up in my mind in the context of this relationship pattern have been revealing to me: namely that I have defined myself and my experience of myself within and as a ‘feeling’, however this ‘feeling’ only exists within my mind as I have ‘designed’ it – and thus nobody and nothing can ever in fact ‘fulfil’ that ‘feeling’ because it is just that, a ‘feeling’, like a ghost I’ve been chasing to apparently feel complete and worthy and valuable, when all the while I haven’t been accepting myself as complete and worthy and valuable.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by placing trust and belief in a ‘feeling’ (which is in fact the fabrication of a system / parenting / education / competition / world-system) I am making myself corruptible as I can then be manipulated with ‘feelings’, which is in fact what the consumerism system does to keep people enslaved: the system entices people with ‘good feelings’ and all products and services of the system are set to sell exactly that: a ‘good feeling’.
I commit myself to walking my process of ‘man know thyself’ to get to know myself and how I have come to be who I am and experience myself the way I do in all possible contexts of my life, so that within that I can assist and support myself to stand incorruptible, equal to life, accepting nothing less than life, from myself or anyone else.
I wil continue on this in my next blog post.
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