Day 525 | Lifting the veil in Relationships

When we have a new relationship and especially in spending a lot of space and time together or living together - in the beginning you have the 'bliss phase' where everything is so amazing and the sex is just amazing and you want to be with each other all the time –to where you start becoming irritated, when you start seeing the weaknesses in another or when you're not getting what you want, or how you want it, or when you want it….

A friend was talking to me about this recently, and I have had similar experiences/reactions within relationships. When I heard my friend ‘blaming the partner’ and ‘feeling powerless’, I remembered what I had found for myself as an inherent/conditioned pattern/state – where I had the tendency to see/experience (and thus also place) myself as the ‘victim’, whose needs and desires are not being fulfilled ‘as expected’ - and ‘the victim’ is now throwing an ‘inner tantrum’ because it's not getting what it wants.

What I could see, realize and understand through investigating this pattern is that I was expecting things/responses from another but I wasn't communicating them effectively, so the other had difficulty understanding me and being with me. I often felt like the other was not understanding me, but what I wasn't seeing (BECAUSE I was in the victim-role) is that I was seeing/placing (and thus also using) my partner as 'the fulfiller'; in this I saw that I was abdicating my self responsibility and was projecting it onto my partner. And also, this kept me from really seeing and understanding my partner for who they are and what they experience and the process they go through.

Within this whole pattern of co-dependency and self-abdication, I saw how the 'failure' and 'disappointment' was already programmed in.

There’s several things I learned:

I realized that I wasn't being clear and direct with another, rather I was trying to manipulate the other’s responses to 'get what I want' so that I can 'feel worthy' or feel that things are ‘fair’.

I also found that I was actually the one creating the very negative experiences I was fearing/expecting. And there was something like always expecting to be disappointed/betrayed/not given 'the attention I need'.

So what I then realized is, I must take absolute responsibility for myself and my life - and give ME attention, give My Life attention the it needs.

Interestingly enough, in the responses I was expecting from my partner - I was wanting/desiring attention, acceptance, care; but I found I wasn't LIVING those things for myself, I wasn't giving them to myself and so I was looking for that outside of myself. And when I didn't get them I was feeling sorry for myself - which also shows the value/worth that I was giving myself (or rather, NOT giving).

So another thing I learned is that first I must 'give it' - then I can 'receive it'.

The practical self-correction I realized was to 'give it to myself', like, I looked at what is it really that I want, what do I want to experience, what do I want to create - and then find ways to express that, to live that – by taking responsibility for it, as myself. Also by communicating myself more clearly to others = in a direct way, instead of trying to manipulate emotionally.

I found that by placing myself in the position of 'the giver' (the giver first and foremost to ME, to MY LIFE and LIVING) - I can take back my responsibility and thus also my power. This is totally different from the disempowerment I had experienced in that relationship-pattern.

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Day 512 | Redefining the word Expectations

So, looking at ‘my expectations’, I realized that my expectations, even the relevant ones, are always some idealized ideas and I remembered what once Sunette told me on the farm, quite in the beginning – that I was walking my day in a way as if I at the beginning of the day would project myself into some idea/ideal of who I am supposed to be /how the day is supposed to be - and then constantly being in the 'reach-out', like projected 'out there'.

So instead of living the relevant expectations - I had used the point of value as in the word ‘enough’ to sabotage myself and keep myself small, while I could keep on 'dreaming'/'imagining' the 'perfection or perfect conditions'.

Which now reminds me of something Bernard once said to me - "it's about who you are when things are NOT perfect..."

Also - within walking and deconstructing the word ‘enough’, I can see once again how the solution is always multiple times simpler than the problem - like here with my definitions of the word ‘enough’ as 'problem' in my mind, and the actual definition of the word’s expression as the 'solution' in the physical: where I can say “this is enough! I now direct and change this!”

So what I have found is that, okay, all my expectations are mental projections and exist in the context of ‘perfection’ –

and in working with the word ‘ENOUGH’ I diffused the polarity (where ‘perfection’ is the positive-polarity of ‘not being enough’, all in the light of validation and a ‘value’ separate from self-worth as life) –

so all my expectations are mental projections and exist in the context of ‘perfection’ – but I can transform that which was merely a positive projection into practical positive change.

I realize and understand that perfection is a process, and that I am able to practically live a process of self-perfection through self-commitment in the simplest moments in my everyday life, in all aspects of my life in fact. This perfection process is an equal and one process, there is no projected positivity or comparison to some superior ideal; it is simply the understanding of what it will take to create/manifest/experience/live that which one wants to live/develop/manifest as real value, and then realizing one can only walk this self-perfection process breath by breath – taking responsibility for one breath at a time, one point at a time. It is possible to live and walk in real-time. We are still far from that.

So – looking at what the word Expectations practically/physically express – I mean in common sense how can you practically expect something that you didn’t create/initiate? – I see that I require to effectively re-assess/structure my expectations based on and aligned with what physically exists and what is physically possible in my physical reality/world as well as who I am and what my abilities and qualifications are currently.

In other words, I can expect that which I am already busy creating/initiating/manifesting – or just accepting and allowing in ignorance and unawareness.

I realize thus that Expectations in practical common sense should be aligned with the projected accumulation of that which I am busy living and manifesting – in every moment, with every breath.

And things take time in physical reality, thus it is to not have expectations as mental projections ‘out there’ to mentally and emotionally distract me from being here in every moment!

So here, I redefine the words ‘my expectations’ from being an inflated/superior projection of myself ‘out there’ in separation from Me Here whereby I within that in fact implied that Me Here is ‘less than’/inferior – to simply be the projected result of that which I have committed myself to live/accumulate in the various aspects of my life and living.

Therefore, my expectations should equal the calculated consequences as cause & effect, whereby I am the directive principle.

The word/expression of ‘My Expectations’ thus also entails Self-Responsibility.

It is because I can see the accumulation/result/consequences of my participation in my world/reality that I realize: I have/I place these particular expectations upon myself/upon these particular aspects of my life because I take responsibility for myself/for these particular points.

I therefore realize that I am responsible for each and every point that I am faced-with throughout my life; and that in the context of LIFE as Value I require to be response-able in every moment as I live and participate in my world/reality. It doesn’t mean I have to say ‘yes’ to everything that crosses my way but it does mean to in any case make a directive decision and make a stand = determine who I am in the context of that moment/point/situation. Because that moment is about to have an effect on myself as well as has an effect on another’s life. Will I subject myself and others/another to ‘coincidence’, to preprogrammed patterns? Or will I make a decision as to who I am as in how I stand in relation to the moment/point and how I will direct myself and thus the context too into a best outcome that is supportive of LIFE in that it allows for communication, for expansion, for potential, for growth and real self expression.

This brings us back to the point of Self Responsibility – Next post to follow.

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Day 511 | Relationships & Expectations

I noticed that in the last couple of days I’ve been taking a look at my cellphone and thinking there may be a message from him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to EXPECT a message or phone call from him – or also thinking that surely he will soon be contacting me – and that I haven’t within that realized that what I’m doing is expecting him to give direction as to ‘the next step’ to be taken in the context of that particular relationship.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone directing the point within myself and coming to a decision, which -if I would- would manifest a self experience wherein I am no longer in a state of waiting, thinking and believing or even hoping that when/once he calls/talks to me things will change/be directed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect change from others while abdicating my self-responsibility for change.

Therefore I commit myself to take self responsibility here and look at what I have created of and as ‘him’ within my mind; what I have created of and as ‘the relationship’ within my mind; as well as what I have created as myself in the context of this particular relationship.

And I can see that none of that is supportive because my starting-point has been a form of validation as in acceptance or love or caring – but in essence of Responsibility because I wasn’t taking the responsibility to give to myself acceptance, love, caring, within living self-acceptance, self-love, and caring for myself.

I find the best way to look at a relationship or a point is to look at it DIRECT, blunt, to see it for what it is. Instead of ‘thinking about it’ as in having it recycle within my mind only, over and over again the same thoughts, pictures, judgments, emotional experiences, ending-up ‘feeling overwhelmed’ in the spinning of this system/construct instead of LOOKING and directing the points in practical common sense.

So let me then get to this practical common sense and let me look at this bluntly. In this relationship we have ended up not being able to effectively communicate and work together. I have accepted and allowed myself to spin the relationship within my mind based on my own ‘wants, needs, and desires’ which I deemed ‘my right’ and those ‘wants, needs, and desires’ have been in effect nothing but my EXPECTATION that another must be responsible for what I am experiencing, thus it was simply a point of self-abdication.

So here I had looked into how I had defined relationship and partnership to be something that will be savior. Or where I could be the savior. Where there was always a giving and taking that was binding the two together, and the two must be for each other and beyond that the rest is irrelevant. Because this is ‘the one’ that will make everything possible…or ‘the one’ that will unleash my true potential…

So I had abdicated my dreams and made of them expectations, but I was not giving it to myself, I was waiting for it to happen, to come to me, to be given, “because the universe loves you” or because someone really cares. And then projecting my expectation of potential unfolding into relationships, thus almost living under the belief that if I have no relationship, if I have no one to love me and care for me and be here for me, I cannot expand and reach my full potential. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed equations of limitation within myself, equations that devalue my will and my power and abdicate my Response-Ability to something/someone ‘out there’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for something else / someone else to make Me ‘more’/’better’/’fulfilled’ and that I’ve abdicated my self-directive authority to projections of myself in separation from Who I Am Here in every moment, wherein I’ve defined myself somehow as ‘not enough’ and instead of looking at this practically pragmatically and assisting and supporting myself to expand, develop, and grow, I have accepted that self-belief as ‘not being enough’ and have projected expectations of ‘being enough’ /being ‘more’ out there for Me to ‘reach’/’gain’/’attain’, separating myself from the ability to create and manifest that which I want to live, experience and express.

In previous blog posts I have worked with the word ‘enough’ and have seen/realized that actual physical expression of the word enough as in Stop, I am Full. 

And therefore I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to live the word Enough as in making the absolute decision that I have had enough of self-destruction, enough of self-sabotage, enough of self-judgment, and that I will no longer accept or allow myself to go into self-pity or regret in a gesture of giving up and devaluing myself/my life.

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire ‘something more’ in order for me to ‘feel’ valuable, to ‘feel’ worthy, to ‘feel’ that I am ‘enough’- and to in relationships EXPECT that this ‘something more’ will be given to me.

Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to entertain relationships through HOPE: hoping and waiting for my expectations to ‘come true’, for my wants/needs/desires to be ‘fulfilled’- and if you’ve come thus far then you’ll already be asking yourself as I am: How can real fulfillment ever manifest within such context of self separation?

In light of all this, I come back to the point of Self-Responsibility and I see that Self-Responsibility is the Key to ending self separation.

More on this in the next blog posts.

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Day 189: Be_Longing | THOUGHT Dimension of the Mind Construct

ART by Bastian Neumann

This is continuing from
Day 186: Name the Game - Laying out the Mind CONstruct
Day 187: Be_Longing * The Absurdity of Longing to Belong
Day 188: Be_Longing * The Trap of Infinity

For further context see also
Day 184: Facing the Consequences of Following the Mind
Day 185: Value Issues & Consequences of Running on ENERGY



Here I am looking at the thought dimension of the pattern, and thus far I had gathered the following thoughts:
I am not receiving attention
I am not good enough / not interesting enough
I am left alone – feel lonely/left alone
They don’t love me
I can’t trust them
I am miserable / feeling sorry for self


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not receiving attention and that therefore this must mean that I am not good enough.
Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘ alone’ and ‘lonely’ and ‘miserable’ and to go into a ‘negative’ self-experience which I start believing more and more, and the more I think of it the more ‘real’ it seems.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project conclusions from my childhood onto my entire life and to exist within conclusions that I have made in the past, when I did not have any tools or any practical common sense support to realize that whatever another does or however another behaves and reacts, one does not have to take it personally – and that whatever one takes personally, one has actually already accepted about self within self.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to in my thoughts blame others for ‘making me feel’ ‘unloved’ or ‘unworthy’ – and within that I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my self-worth subject to other people’s reactions and feedback –
instead of assisting and supporting myself to accept me here as worthy as life and to develop self-trust within and as who I am, without requiring my ‘value’ to be defined or validated by ‘others’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that others don’t love me and that I cannot trust them, if I don’t ‘get the feeling’ that they care –
refusing however to see that I have placed conditions as to what it is ‘to care’, based on early childhood experiences, and that within it all I am not allowing myself to see and get to know another being because all I am focused on is what I am getting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self-interest, in the mind, based on IDEAS about what ‘love’ and ‘care’ is and should be – instead of assisting and supporting myself to explore what it means to actually care, from the starting-point of who I really am, thus developing self-care and self-love to begin with, to then be able to get to know another as an equal and explore what it means to care for another as self, as life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in what will satisfy my mind, instead of first of all getting to trust myself within and as who I really am, to then explore what trust really is –
because obviously trust does not yet exist in this world, otherwise we could all be trusted with life and life would be something where no abuse, no deception, no manipulation, no exploitation would be accepted or allowed.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand what the thoughts that come up in my mind in the context of this relationship pattern have been revealing to me: namely that I have defined myself and my experience of myself within and as a ‘feeling’, however this ‘feeling’ only exists within my mind as I have ‘designed’ it – and thus nobody and nothing can ever in fact ‘fulfil’ that ‘feeling’ because it is just that, a ‘feeling’, like a ghost I’ve been chasing to apparently feel complete and worthy and valuable, when all the while I haven’t been accepting myself as complete and worthy and valuable.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by placing trust and belief in a ‘feeling’ (which is in fact the fabrication of a system / parenting / education / competition / world-system) I am making myself corruptible as I can then be manipulated with ‘feelings’, which is in fact what the consumerism system does to keep people enslaved: the system entices people with ‘good feelings’ and all products and services of the system are set to sell exactly that: a ‘good feeling’.

I commit myself to walking my process of ‘man know thyself’ to get to know myself and how I have come to be who I am and experience myself the way I do in all possible contexts of my life, so that within that I can assist and support myself to stand incorruptible, equal to life, accepting nothing less than life, from myself or anyone else.




I wil continue on this in my next blog post.



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