Day 130: Want Home - "Here" and "There"

ART by Kelly Posey

I have some pictures of me at young age, 2 or 3 years old, where I have this 'lost' expression on my face - like I don't know where I am, why I am, what I am supposed to be doing.
From a very young age I remember this feeling of 'not being home', and very quickly I developed this habit of visiting friends' homes because it somehow felt better to be 'there'.

The operative word being 'THERE' - and I'll get to that in a moment.

I was moved a lot as a kid, having grandparents in two different countries, plus my parents travelled a lot between the two countries when I was very young and I was left with the grandparents in the one place or the other. I changed several schools due to these circumstances as well. It wasn't until recently though that I started looking into the history of parents and grandparents and the circumstances they were exposed to, like war, struggle, being refugees, moving places. I myself was in my mother's belly during a war and born shortly after the family moved to another place.
In the beginning of my Journey to Life writings I had a look at the point of being a refugee and carrying with me the emotion of this word/experience.

When I finished school I immediately went to another country to study, where I ended up staying for the other half of my life, then went back to my 'homeland' for a short period of time before I travelled to South Africa to stay at the Desteni farm for three years, then again back to 'homeland' where I wanted to see whether and how I can perhaps find 'peace', yet a year later I again moved to another country to take on a job. And even though I had already, theoretically,  realized that home is Here, and I am Here, therefore I am at Home - this point of self equality and oneness, where one is 'at peace', silent, not searching, not running, not wanting - simply Here -
there was still this feeling/emotion/state of mind that somehow was like 'driving' me from the inside, a creepy underlying feeling, perhaps best described as fear, or uncertainty, or irritation, or restlessness.

Restlessness.
Another point to which to come back to and investigate.

Fear of doing 'the wrong thing', or being 'at the wrong place' 'in the wrong time'. WTF!

Recently I came face to face with this 'feeling' which had become a sort of emotional obsession as it manifested within my relationship.
Where I had projected my WANT for a HOME onto my relationship - instead of living the realization that I am Here therefore I am Home.

Putting it all together, it seems I've been on the run my whole life. The word that comes up here is Restlessness.

Points to investigate through self-forgiveness and re-define:

Restlessness / On the Run
Find Peace / Home
Fear - Wrong - Right
"There"


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be aligned to a definition of "there" which I imagined and created in my mind and charged it over time with feelings of 'positive', 'peace', 'stop running, 'having arrived', 'home', 'fulfilment'.

(Wow fascinating crescendo there! - amazing what we make out of words through charging them with energetic values! - that is a point for another blog post, looking into the Living Word, what we've made of it/ourselves, and what it/we could be...)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of mind where I am as if constantly projected "there", or as if this "there" constantly exists, and I am somehow 'pulled toward it'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously, underlyingly, exist within a want, need and desire for "there", within this diminishing myself Here, and therefore equally missing Here.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that while I constantly think, believe and feel that I am missing "there" and thus "I gotta get there" - I am in Fact missing Here, missing myself Here, existing in essence no-where really, but kinda floating in the air, feet searching for ground ...all the while I am Here.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I also created a 'fear of missing out' which is basically a fear of 'not living' - and through accepting and allowing this fear to exist within me: I basically manifested it, manifested ME as in fact not living, because I am not Here, I am somehow always "trying to live", always "getting there" and "missing" "there" - when in the actuality of Reality I am missing Me Here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself between the 'poles' of "there" and "here" - in all possible aspects of my life: relationship/partnership, job, friendships, family.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see my partner as "there" and to 'miss him' here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see my partner as 'missing here' when in Fact it is I that was missing here - and I was wishing for my partner to bring the "there" to me here. WTF!

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be Here.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to accept Here.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to accept Me Here.


TO BE CONTINUED!




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