Day 5: Trapped in Time as Cycles of Patterns

What is fascinating about time is that we seem to always be behind time, running after time, running out of time, not having enough time, not taking the time, competing with time...

Time is not on our side. Time always wins. In our struggle to cope with time, we tend to hurry, rush, stress.
We never stop for a moment to consider and realize, that the more we think about time the more we lose time; and the more we rush after time the more we stay behind.

And while we seem to perceive time in terms of 'more' and 'less' - where time is either 'long' or 'short' and we either have a lot of time or we don't have time - there is ONE time measurement that is constant, consistent and always equal to every here moment: BREATH.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that the only 'real time' is one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to struggle with time in my mind, instead of realizing that I am able to walk breath by breath, one breath at a time, giving 100% of myself to each one breath, and that I at any given moment can only do as much as I can do in one breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior to time, wherein I would always run after time and struggle with time, trying to have enough time, not realizing the time I waste with all the thoughts, anxiety and stress I allow myself to indulge in.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that time is the master of patterns, wherein - because we are not slowing down to one breath at a time, to be fully here in every moment, we rush in time and allow time to drive us automatically into automated patterns of behavior and experience, whereas if we slow down and walk breath by breath, we are able to see the patterns of time and place ourselves as the directive principle, instead of allowing the patterns of time to direct and dictate who we are and how we walk our lives.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that we are trapped in time as the mind, wherein - when we are not here in every breath, we allow ourselves to automatically follow time and the patterns that come up in cycles, patterns that are based in past conditioning and thus based in time, and if we only follow time we bound ourselves to the patterns of the past which we re-live and thus re-create in the present and in turn create the future as a re-play of the past; thus within following time and allowing time to automatically run while we follow, we are creating the future from the past through our acceptances in the present.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I want to break the patterns of the past that keep me trapped in cycles of personality-patterns as ego, conditioned through the systems of this world, I require to walk in breath-time, one breath at a time, slowing down in every here moment: to be able to see, recognize and understand the timelines I automatically follow; to be able to see, recognize and understand the patterns I exist within and as; to be able to see, recognize and understand the thoughts, emotions/feelings, fears and desires that constitute a pattern - so as to be able to see, recognize and understand that I have not been the directive principle in my life and within myself, but have instead been following conditioned patterns of thoughts, feelings/emotions and behaviors, and therefore have existed as a robot trapped in time, following the cycles of time automatically, accepting and allowing history to repeat as I have been repeating my patterns in time, creating the future from the past, and thus being a prisoner of my past while I keep this world imprisoned in its history.

I commit myself to stopping history from repeating through stopping myself from repeating, re-creating and perpetuating my personal patterns of the past, where I have been existing as a mind only, as an ego consciousness conditioned by this world to exist in survival, fear and separation.

I forgive myself for repeating the patterns I know because within that I felt safe that "I know who I am", all the while who I really am is suppressed and disabled through the very patterns I accept and allow and follow, whereby the patterns and behaviors and thoughts and emotions as the mind have been the directive principle of me, instead of me taking the power back to self.

I commit myself to investigate the patterns that bound me and thus bound the world in the state it is, and to make sure in every moment that I am the one that makes my decisions in life, make sure that I am the directive principle of me as life, make sure that the patterns and behaviors I create are aligned to that which is best for all, that which supports life and thus supports me as life equally.

I commit myself to stopping the rush of the mind and slowing down to one breath at a time, in the realization that I cannot do more than what can be done in one breath at a time.

I commit myself to stopping myself from following the automatic patterns of the mind as thoughts, reactions and behaviors, realizing that this is not who I really am as life but merely automatic patterns conditioned through this world without my directive decision.

I commit myself to being and becoming the directive principle of myself as life, wherein I in every moment have the actual choice to decide and determine and live that which is of support for life, as all as one as equal.

Day 4: Creation of Bubble Existences

We as ego utilize the creation of bubble existences, consciously or unconsciously, to 'protect' our personalities as our self-image that we spend so much time and effort making-up in order to 'cope' in this world.

Bubbles are these energetic 'togetherness'-entities we construct, through which we see ourselves as part of a group, a friends circle, a culture, an ideology - anything that is defined as a closed circle of members and clearly differentiates from the rest of the world. Which is basically the essence of cult development - whether it is peer groups, the mafia, religions, corporate circles, associations, or even twosome relationships: there seems to always be that invisible yet perceivable bubble that determines the boundaries and rules of a group/grouping in relation to the rest of the world.

Family structures function like this as well in this world. Since this world is based in survival, and since survival implies that some must lose for others to win, it seems that automatically we are bound to defend and protect 'our own' against everybody and everything else.
What's so bad about protecting 'one's own', one may ask. Nothing bad as such, other than the fact that through this mode of 'protection and defence' we get more and more alienated from the common sense of life, and come to points where we'll even justify inequality, deception, abuse - because "hey, I've got to protect my own".

So the system 'educates' us towards competition and a culture of separation, and in return we apply this culture of separation to survive within the system, not even considering that there is another way.

We blame the system for the controls it imposes unto us, yet we don't stop for a moment to investigate how these controls exactly operate, how we in fact participate and within that tacitly accept the controls that constitute the rules of the game, how we subject ourselves to the controls of the system out of fear of being cut off and disenfranchised and cast out, left with nothing and nobody to support us.

The system, similarly the family system as well, utilizes mind control techniques based on reward and punishment and rules us as if we were children in kindergarten. Kindergarten - that is where it all starts as well, where we, innocent still, learn the first consequences of reward and punishment and start making-up our first defence and protection mechanisms, our first manipulation techniques, start constructing our first lies and testing how we are able to manipulate our environment into acting the way that suits OUR way, OUR mind, OUR desires and fears, OUR interest.

And so, self-interest is born, the consciousness that will in time support the system, re-create the system, perpetuate the world as we know it.

In order to change the world, we must change the rules of the game. We must teach our children in a way that will not lead them to repeat history and re-create a system of exploitation, inequality and abuse.

To do that, we first require to educate ourselves; To firstly forgive ourselves for allowing the patterns of the past/history to determine our and everyone's existence, to investigate how we have been part of the problem, part of the system, part of the mechanisms that give permission for this world to exist as we know it, to then change ourselves into the pillars and living-examples of a new system, a new way of life, a new co-existence of self-willed equals that will no longer accept and allow parts of life to suffer, to struggle, to starve; but instead give every single being that is born into this world equal freedom, equal chances and opportunities to live to their utmost potential, live life to the fullest in all ways possible.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that polarizes and categorizes life in separate labelled bubbles of different 'values', a system that manifests a culture of separatism, cultism and ego wherein we exist against each-other instead of with each-other, where we fight against each-other and in essence against ourselves, because we are fighting against life to survive as labelled 'individuals' bubbled-up in belief-systems that separate us from the rest of humanity, wherein we place more value in our belief-systems than in the value of life and the physical fact that we are all in this together, all on one planet with limited resources, all breathing the same air and returning to the same dust.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to question the groupings people create wherein they feel and present themselves as 'cool', 'strong', 'successful', while if it weren't for the particular grouping whose laws one follow and by whose rules one play, one wouldn't be this 'cool', 'strong', 'successful' individual.

Within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that no one makes it alone in the system, and no one makes it alone in life, because life is interconnectedness and that practically implies a certain interdependence; but instead of us all working together, this interdependence was and is being abused to create separate groupings like bubbles of interest, wherein we only take care of 'our own' and disregard the rest of the world, not realizing the consequences and outflows we are the cause of.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system based in separatism and the exploitation of life in the name of 'love', without ever questioning the nature of this 'love' and how it is that it's not encompassing all and everything of this world but only 'our own'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is good to support one's own family, instead of realizing that the very family-system as established in this world is only cultivating a culture of separatism, exclusiveness and fear, wherein we fear what may happen to 'our own' in this world and therefore end up existing in a protection- and defence mode, wherein we do not give a penny for what is happening around us really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system where we use 'charity' and 'positivity' and 'love & light' to pretend we are doing something for the world, when in fact all we are doing is making up for our guilty conscience just to 'feel better' for a moment without ever getting to the core of how this world system functions and operates, while this world is living proof that no charity, no light and no love can ever save the world or make a substantial difference to the current accepted system.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to question the nature of 'love' in this world, wherein 'love' has no practical application, no actual tangible results, but has become a mental concept that blinds us, to not have to see what is really going on, to not have to face reality, to not have to acknowledge our own role we play in the bigger picture - after all, the system is the result of all our relationships; we are the building blocks of this system, and thus who we are determines what the system is.


I commit myself to investigate and understand how this world system functions in all possible ways, to get to the root of the evil, the cause of all effect we are seeing and witnessing all around us, both within and without.

I commit myself to supporting a new way of life where the value of life is valued as the highest good.

I commit myself to not close my eyes from the truth of this world, the truth of ourselves, and to investigate what my participation in this world effects and supports to then make sure that my participation supports only that which is best for life, what which is best for all in all possible ways.

I commit myself to investigate what of this world is reflected in my personal inner patterns, to investigate my thoughts, my fears, my desires and look at where they come from, how such thoughts, fears and desires are created - to then stop all that which is not supporting me as life, stop all that which only perpetuates the accepted system of fear, mind control and exploitation.
And while I stop, I commit myself to bringing forth a living-solution for life, a new way of life and a new system for the world through which all living things may live in actual freedom, dignity and joy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in a 'joy' that is only based in a form of 'winning', thus only based in the ego of self-consciousness in separation from life - because for some to win, others must lose.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider that a win-win much more is possible for the human experience, were we not subject to the controls and limitations of the current system, where life is bought with money and those with money have no life; and even those with money have a life that is determined by the money they have.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to without questioning be part of a system where money is god, not realizing that whether we love money or hate mooney: money is still the god that determines who lives and who dies in this world, and how those that live are able to live or unable.

I commit myself to exposing and removing the enslavement of money in this existence through a new monetary system that will re-define money to align it with a value of life and give everyone equal money, equal power, equal access, equal wealth and equal opportunities to joy, expansion, expression; until money becomes so irrelevant that it disappears, as we will then be able to base our interactions on the value of life only, without requiring a medium to measure life and control our behavior.

I commit myself to bringing forth a system of equality and actual life support, a system that will bring forth a world like the one I'd like to see for myself and my children, a world in which we need not fear for our own, our children or ourselves, a world that will be what is best for all in all possible ways.

Day 3: World Survival System

I am having a shit day in this survival system of a world.
Currently looking for a new/cheaper place to stay and a second job to bring me more income to support myself with, and this situation of 'looking' and 'searching' has been ongoing for more than three months now. The rents have gone up extensively, the job offers are either too specialized or are not asking for my field of skills.

I am getting an idea of how people end up in despair in relation to this survival system, and all one can do is keep pushing and 'hoping' that with some 'luck' something will open up, or one will be at the right place at the right time and meet the right people that will assist in getting to the right job, the right flat or similar.

All the while those of us who have some work can be considered 'lucky', given that there is an extensive amount of people on our planet that live in poverty, starvation, famine, war, and are currently not in a position to have such 'troubles' like looking for a job, a place to stay or more income - they literally have: nothing. Two thrids of the world's population have no flushing toilets - this should be a clear indication of the extent to which the the rich are living on the expenses of the poor, while the money flows to support things like research for cosmetic surgery, beauty products and wellness attractions, instead of getting together and finding solutions for the entirety of the problem, which is us: the systems we have accepted and allowed to rule the world in bipolar patterns, both within and without.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system where not everyone is being taken care of equally, where we are led to leave things to 'good chance' and are left with no option but to 'hope' for some 'luck' while we try to manage our 'despair';
Whereby, for some to have 'luck' others will have to be 'unlucky' in a system where one's winning is another one's loss - because we have based our money-system on an imposed scarcity that perpetuates the bipolar patterns of energy we are subjecting ourselves to, within and without.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system that sells you hope but is also able to take your hope away, a system wherein we have to 'sell our soul' in order to 'get somewhere', a system that tells us who and how to be, and thus value is placed in relation to what one is able to give to the system, which is something that one does not determine oneself but something that is inherited based on what family/name/status we are born into, what financial and social conditions we are born into and what cultural and moral beliefs we are raised with - and the system only supports those that support the system, and so the system 'educates' the people into slaves that re-create the system and disregards the people that are not in a position to support or re-create the system.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system where the value of life is disregarded and life is harmed in the name of profit - where profit is placed before life, where life has become the power-source that is abused to fuel the system of profit, and thus life has degraded to a point where living beings are nothing but robots slaving to maintain a system of abuse, inequality, exploitation and disgrace.

I commit myself to stand and support a new way of life that will bring forth a system of actual life support, where all will in actual fact have equal opportunities for a dignified and fulfilling life from the moment of birth to the very last breath;

I commit to exposing the atrocities we have accepted and allowed within and without until all see the necessity for a radical change that must come forth if we are to dignify life as ourselves; until all see the necessity for the practical application of equality as the living-proof of our regard and honor for the value of life; until all see and realize that life is the highest value, a value we all share as we breathe the same air and share the same requirements for survival on this planet.



Stop the crimes against life that are accepted and allowed in the name of ignorance, in the name of self-interest, in the name of greed and personal convenience.

Give what you would like to receive.

This starts with ourselves and our neighbours, but it must ultimately include the whole planet, to once and for all change the system from a system that feeds on life to a system that supports life; from a system that steals our breath to a system that gives the freedom of breath to ALL LIFE EQUALLY in all possible ways.

Investigate Desteni and the Equal Money Solution!

Investigate how you as me as all of us human beings with some money in our pockets, flushing toilets and internet access are able to stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution!

We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to each-other, we owe it to the children to come, we owe it to LIFE itself!



Check out the following:

I’m having a SHIT Day

The Inequality of Resource Distribution within All Bodies of Existence

What the FAQ - Equal Money System

Day 2: Self Consciousness as Ego System

I went to this cafe to have a piece of cake, and an acquaintance of mine was sitting there with his kids, they had just ordered something to eat. So I said hello and we praised the place for the good quality food they make and so we chit-chatted for a moment and then his phone rang so I took the opportunity to take out my writing pad and focus on that.
I realized that I would have had a difficulty to ‘end’ the chatting, thinking and believing that it is awkward to stop or end a discussion. Another thing I noticed is that, after I had my piece of cake and wished them a nice day and took off, I had this awkward feeling as if thinking and believing that this guy must have found me ‘weird’.

This then reminded me of something my partner said to me some days ago: that it seems I am convinced that people don’t like me, that nobody likes me – and this may sound trivial and banal, which it is, however it is a point that seems to undermine my whole self-experience. It’s this self-consciousness that is somehow programmed to believe that it’s not fitting anywhere, that everyone is always evil, that people always want bad things or think bad things about ‘me’.

Another point my partner said to me is that I tend to ‘bite’ on one point as if there was nothing else and that I seem to have difficulty forgiving myself. Because, when he for instance will share something he sees about me and I acknowledge the point: instead of immediately forgiving myself, letting go and moving on into a solution-application emerging from the realization/acknowledgement, I tend to feel ‘bad’ about myself and go into self-judgment and self-annihilation based on just that one single point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgment as self-sabotage, instead of realizing that this is a tactic of the mind as self-consciousness, designed to preserve itself and have me remain its slave.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved in the limitations of the mind, instead of utilizing and applying the common sense that: since I see and realize what I’ve been doing and existing as – I am able to stop and re-direct myself into effective and supportive living.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant self-judgment, compromising the windows of opportunity as realizations that open up in a moment, where I could instead take the opportunity and walk through the window of change to actually, practically change myself and stop all that which is limiting and compromising my ability to express and direct myself effectively, supporting myself as life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to that one point of perception, probably coming from early childhood experiences, that “nobody likes me” – and within that to live my life from the starting-point of being liked and desiring acceptance/validation from something outside of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to give that acceptance to myself, as I am here, and acknowledge my value as life, to live self-worth as who I am, rather than waiting for others to give me self-worth and value.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth, instead of living the practical application of accepting myself and establishing self-worth through consistent practical-living of self-honesty aligned with what’s best for life, for all, as equals.


All this is also reminds me of an experience that is repeating in my life, wherein – when I find myself in groups of people, there will always come the point where I’ll want to remove myself because I feel ‘I don’t belong’, I feel I am ‘not included’ or ‘not equal’ to everyone else.
Yet it is ME that is creating/accepting/reiterating this perception. There is definitely a point in time during such moments, when a thought will come up, or a judgment will come up, or even a feeling/emotion will come up: and once I accept that thought, judgment or feeling as ‘real’, as ‘true’, the whole construct of “I don’t belong” will manifest as an experience to ‘justify’ why I feel inferior, why I feel weird, awkward and unloved.
All the while it is I that is perceiving ‘me’ as weird, awkward, unloved. It is I that is unloving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to slow down so as to observe and recognize the thoughts, feelings/emotions or judgments that come up to literally form the perception of ‘not being liked’ – because if I were to recognize those components, I’d be able to stop.

I realize that my self-experience, as everyone’s self-experience, is based on polarity judgments and definitions we adopt, accept and allow within self, from which perceptions equate which we then tend to accept as ‘real’, as ‘the truth’.

I realize that the way I experience myself lies within my responsibility. I am responsible for what I accept and allow within myself, I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my mind, and I no longer accept and allow the conditioned patterns of thoughts and emotions that automatically come-up when triggered through systematically-programmed situations to influence who I am.

When and as I see myself going into the perception of “I am not liked” or “I don’t belong”, I stop – I breathe, and I remind myself that this is a conditioned perceptual pattern that is being activated and that I do not have to accept that as ‘real’, I do not have to allow such pattern to define and determine who I am and how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-consciousness in separation, where all that matters is how I feel and how I am perceived by my world – which is a matter of value, and value in this world has been defined within polarity, where some are ‘more’ and others are ‘less’, while the money-system we’ve accepted even perpetuates such consciousness through competition, comparison and survival-fear; whereby we completely disregard the value of life: the breath of life that is equal in all living things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to accept and value myself as life, as equal, as one with all that is here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that self-consciousness exists always from a starting-point of fear, in the perception of lack and the desire of ‘more’, while it exists in separation from life and feeds off of life to preserve itself as the idea and perception that it is.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that – even though such self-consciousness is not actually real, it is what we’ve made ourselves real as and based on the image and likeness of that, we manifested the world as we know it. Therefore to change the world into a place where all life is honoured and cared for, we have to change ourselves within.

We have to expand from self-consciousness in separation, from that point of ego that is only seeing itself in ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ charges of energy that activate based on patterns we integrated throughout our lives and keep repeating; to a living-application of life in awareness that regard and consider all life, and therefore also consider the implications and consequences of one’s existence, one’s role within the whole.
Because how can I expect the world to change, when the very patterns I exist within and as are the patterns that re-create this world as we know it and keep us trapped in mental/emotional polarities in separation from who we really are as life!



Looking back at the experience I describe above, I’ve never known it any other way. The creation of this self-consciousness must have occurred at a very young age, and no conscious memories exist of when such experience came up for the first time. Even when looking at old photographs of me in kindergarten, I see a girl that’s lost, confused, uncertain of what it is she’s doing here or why it is she feels the way she does.

In my family, we did not have actual communication in terms of sharing how one feels, sharing how one experience oneself or what one is actually going through in one’s inner world. I never learned to share myself, I never learned to ask how others experience themselves, and so also at school I did not have close friends to whom I would confide and share myself. This sharing only started within the context of relationships/sexual relationships much later, but had the consequence that I’d use my relationships with males to search for that point of ‘family’, that point of ‘home’, that point of intimacy and communication, however this was done in separation from the rest of the world, in fact in separation from myself, and therefore I would tend to create bubbles of relationships wherein I would try and feel safe and secure and ‘at home’, while in fact I was polarizing myself further more. And I would try and get that feeling of ‘belonging’ and ‘acceptance’ from such relationships, which resulted to such relationships being of self-interest, wherein

I was in fact only trying to ‘comfort’ my self-consciousness, instead of actually living, expanding, and forgiving myself, changing for real and supporting others to break the self-imprisonment, as many people actually have a similar experience to mine, wherein they’ll feel like ‘the odd one out’, ‘unloved’, ‘misunderstood’, ‘invalidated’ through society and the world, all based in patterns of early childhood, as our parents were helpless creatures subjected to a cruel world of survival, where if you don’t play by the rules you are doomed to lose, to be cast out, to fail and be an outcast in this world.

And so we are taught the rules of the game, and we become the rules of the game in a way that our very existence re-creates and perpetuates the very system we are all victim to.


So – we have to realize one thing: no matter how badly we suffer within, as long as we have flushing toilets, money in our pocket, internet and phone devices, we are the elite in this world. We are the ones, the only ones, that are in a position to make an actual difference in this world and to work on redefining the rules of the game in a way that will end the polarization of life once and for all; in a way that will dignify not only our own existence, but that of our children and all the children to come, so that no single being has to suffer poverty, starvation, famine, war.

We have to realize: the world we see ‘out there’ is the direct reflection of what we all accept and allow to exist within, in the secret chambers of our mind, while we exist as self-consciousness only, a self-consciousness that exists in separation and has lost any and all connection to life – life: that is all as one as equals.

So, even though we may be walking through the manifested consequences of ourselves as we walk this process, and as such consequences are never beautiful, such consequences never ‘feel good’ – we have to remember that it is no solution to swing to the opposite-polarity and wallow in guilt, remorse, regret and depression about what and who we have become. No.
This is where self-forgiveness comes in, to let go of any reaction we are having TOWARD reality, realize that what we are facing is ourselves, it is what it is and the best we can do is learn from it.
LEARN from it for real, so that we stop repeating the patterns of the past, the past that has created the present that is an atrocity for all as we can see everywhere in this world – and start walking the transformation of ourselves and our relationships through self-corrective practical-living, establishing patterns of dignity, equality and respect for life – for ourselves, each-other and the whole world.

And yes, it will take a while, because what we are now and what we have now as this world, this reality, took many breaths of repetition and reiteration to be established. And we can see that what we have established as this world system and as ourselves is not best for life. Therefore it is to investigate the patterns of ourselves as we participate in our world, and start changing the patterns as ourselves into something that is truly worthy of life, something that we wouldn’t mind existing as eternally.
Because really – Would you like to continue existing forever the way you are now in the world as it is currently? I am certain no living thing would wish that upon oneself or anyone else. Therefore, common sense: it is time to change and recreate ourselves and this world in a way that we can be truly proud of our existence, within and without.

The solution I see to self-consciousness is an interesting one. If one investigate in self-honesty, one will realize that self-consciousness exists within and as self-interest. The question it asks is always “What am I getting?”
Regardless whether what one is “getting” is ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ – that point of self-consciousness will make it always about ‘winning’, getting ‘more’, like a vampire sucking the life out of everything and everyone in its way, just to thrive on the energy of ‘being this’ or ‘being that’ or ‘being better’ and ‘more’.

So the solution to this, while we exist as self-consciousness, is an interesting one: it is to start GIVING. Reversing the question of “what can I get?” to the question “what can I give”. And within that starting-point, whole new perspectives open up and suddenly one will realize that it is irrelevant how I ‘feel’ within myself about myself, because I am no longer defining myself as ‘lacking’ and ‘needing’, no longer approaching life from the starting-point of “what can I get”, but I am now opening myself up here and I realize that I can GIVE.
First of all I give me to me – that is the process of self forGIVEness. I give me the love that I’ve always searched for in another; I give me the acceptance I’ve always yearned for from others; I give me the value that I’ve always expected others to show me I have. And within the starting-point of “what can I give”, suddenly the experience of lack and need disappears, because it was never real. Suddenly I realize I am here, therefore I can give. So every moment and every being I meet, I am the giver.

And within this application, and while I stop the backchat in the mind that’s trying to tell me things like “but you feel inferior” or “but what will others think” or “but you need this or that”... the self-consciousness that we are starts to transform into a life-awareness, aligned to what is best for all. And as we walk from a starting-point of equality and oneness, this self-consciousness we’ve been merges and amalgamates with everything and everyone we meet, and the invisible boarders of ourselves start diffusing, and diffusing, and diffusing, until no consciousness remain: until no backchat comes up to whisper things in our head, until no fear comes up to try and justify why we exist in separation and defense-mechanisms, until all that remains is ‘I’, an I that is ‘nothing’ and yet sees everything and embrace everything as self, as one, as equal.

From here we can then start practically redefining our existence, we can start determining how we want to live and co-exist in practical ways that will regard and consider every living thing equally and will bring forth a living reality that will be best for all. Because when I give me what is best for life, and I start giving what is best for life to everyone and every thing I come across – the world starts changing because I am changing. The world starts seeing and considering what is best for all because I am seeing and considering what is best for all.

So that is the process we are walking from self-consciousness as ego to self-awareness as life. 
From an Ego-system to an actual Eco-system that places life as the highest value, and therefore applies oneness and equality in all possible ways.

Investigate Desteni and the solution of Equal Money

Day 1: Waking Up from the Depression

Waking up and the sun shines. An awkward feeling comes over me, as if I’m comparing myself to the sun. Imagining how people wake up to the sun and feel happy and motivated, while I compare my own state of being with that imagination in my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel down and depressed out of an idea of ‘high’ and ‘happy’ that I compare myself to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when the sun shines I should ‘normally’ be all ‘happy’ and ‘high’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is a failure, a fuck-up, and to wake up in the morning with a feeling of anxiety towards living.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach life/living from a starting-point of anxiety, which – as I see now – is rooted in ideas of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, wherein I judge myself as ‘failure’ and think that I should be more ‘successful’.
Whereby I have defined ‘success’ and ‘failure’ in relation to how I perceive myself and how I think and believe others perceive me – which also reveals a point of comparison and thus competition.
Wherein in fact I am competing with ideas of myself in the mind, ideas of life, ideas of success and failure – instead of simply realizing that I am walking the manifested consequences of myself, of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and define myself as.

Manifested consequences are just that, they need not be seen as ‘bad’ or ‘good’. The mere realization that how I have existed has not actually been really supporting me as life = in expanding myself, expressing myself, breaking through any limitations and perceptions of polarity,  is opening up the opportunity to simply take this realization and start the actual process of self-forgiveness: of letting go of all judgment, polarity and mental concepts of ‘success’ and ‘failure’, and simply start living the purification of myself as I change my participation into practical-living that is best for life.

Looking at the manifested consequences of myself, looking at my life and how I experience myself in general, what I see is a point of isolation, a point of withdrawal. I look at the point of people and relationships throughout my life and I see that I never really cared for creating relationships, never really approached people from the perspective of ‘getting together’ or forming something that is truly actually supportive as best for all. When I saw that, I first started judging myself and going into guilt, and then I realized that this also is not a solution. I must forgive myself this pattern of isolation and separation and start seeing people as part of me, part of this world I am equal to, part of the same system I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and manifest as the very reality we all share day in and day out.

What I am realizing is that this depression upon waking up is a reaction towards facing the manifested consequences of myself – whereby the solution is simply to realize that there is no way out of this, there is no escaping from self, and that even within the process of self-forgiveness and changing/transforming the accepted patterns and behaviours that led to the current creation I am facing: there will be a time where I have to walk through the consequences that are the outflow of my life thus far, the outflow of all the acceptances and allowances that I accumulated breath by breath.

And breath by breath I will walk through the consequences and I am able to utilize the realization of such consequences to understand what I have created, how I have created it (through what acceptances, what behaviourisms, what ideas and assumptions) and thus how I am able to stop all that which is not supporting life, to stop all that which is an expression of fear, of judgment, of separation, of ego.

So, breath by breath, I walk, I forgive, I realize that what I am facing in the present is the past. And that to change the future I have to forgive the past in the present, let go of the past in every present moment, and live a new-expression, a purification of the past in every here-moment, as I am here, and therefore I am the determining factor of my reality, within and without.


So – depression can be utilized as a flag-point to stop. To stop suppressing ourselves and succumbing to emotional moods that are the result of the backchat in our secret mind – and to start de-pressing the layers of consciousness under which we hide. To finally start opening up, start seeing the truth of ourselves, start forgiving the abuse and self-sabotage we’ve been existing as; and start expanding into and as LIFE – practical living best for all.

When and as I see myself going into depression, I stop, I breathe, and I remind myself that this depression is but a reaction to the present that is of the past, a reaction to the consequences of myself, a reaction based in judgment, polarity, fear and self-sabotage – and therefore I stop the reaction, I stop self-judgment, I breathe, I stand up and I start walking, breath by breath, in self-forgiveness, until it’s done and neither ‘high’ nor ‘low’ remains; until only I remain, pure, present, blank, ready to take on this whole existence that is myself and live it into a new creation that is best for life in all possible ways.

See also the following links:

Life Review - Being Liked

Life Review - Misunderstood

Life Review - Abdicating my Voice - Abdicating my Life

Life Review - My life of Co-Dependency

This Daily Task will Give us the Bread of Life - Home-Made with Purified Water

I decided to start writing daily.

Writing consistently throughout years, I have discovered the power of writing as a recreational tool. Since I started my process of self-forgiveness with Desteni some 4-5 years ago, writing has been the directive action I take to clarify my mind, see through the patterns of my backchat and give myself direction in self-honesty, as I redefine my existence from self-interest as ego to self-awareness as life - a process we are all walking at Desteni.

All of us who are standing-up to become accountable individuals and manifest a world that will be best for all life equally: are walking the process of investigating and effectively directing the influences we are controlled by within and without - this can only be done in self-honesty and the willingness to see what we have been accepting and allowing ourselves to exist within and as. This process must be walked and tested individually, yet in the realization of life as oneness in interconnectedness, thus in awareness of what is best for life/all.
That is also where equality comes in to make the oneness real and effective - and this equality is yet another point that begins within self.
So it is to investigate: where and how i am subject to polarities and inner conflict, how was that created and how did i participate in the creation thereof? That is where self-responsibility comes in = the key to self-willed realization. What are we making ourselves real as? That is the question - and the current answer is in the face of this world we've manifested as well as in the face of our personal relations and relationships that we entertain in all possible ways. To investigate and direct/stop the accepted mind-control which is the result of the influences we've been exposed to in this reality is the only way to free ourselves from the matrix of separation, polarity and self-interest (where we're only out to 'win' not realizing that for one to win others must lose) and to realize ourselves as self-willed equals of life, as accountable individuals that live life to the fullest and are dedicated to bring-forth a life-support system that will allow every single being to do the same.

The proof is within our world, within how our relationships change, within how we participate in our reality and what difference we make.
But if one is looking for proof from others, then that would be no different to following a religion or worshiping a guru or existing in a self-religion of the mind, which is what everyone in this world ends up doing as ego. We are here to stop ego and birth life. This each one must do for oneself - no other can breathe for you, no other can self-realize for you. Thus: apply and test the tools in self-honesty and be/become your own living proof. However, due to the nature of ego, it is highly unlikely to self-realize alone - as feedback is required to make sure one do not lose oneself in the self-delusion matrices of one's mind/ego. This (self-)support is what we are walking at Desteni, while we self-honestly investigate ourselves in the context of this whole world-system / mind-system that has nothing but atrocity and indignity left to give.
Best to forgive - and start giving life back to life.


This is my commitment to daily writing and publishing. You can do the same.
"The daily Self-Task to place yourself in writing in a structured way will in time be your proven sanity, trust, honesty and consistency that transcend all ego. All the structure must show is your dedication to what is best for all life and the confirmation through cross-referenced feedback that you are in fact living this commitment breath by breath into being - as you, as life. This will support you effectively when you get to the point of no return called death and you are measured to see if you are in fact life and worthy to be recognized as life."

The interview Finding your purpose in the journey to life supported me in making the decision of daily writing, as a physical evidence of my daily I-process, wherein I walk the self-investigation and transformation of the patterns of my 'I' - the self-consciousness I've existed as throughout my life as a system in this world system, this existence - into a living-expression that exists as and brings forth equality into the oneness we are and dignity of life into living.

This is how we'll form a new system of actual life-support - a system as ourselves, in the realization that a system is nothing more but the relationships formed by its individual parts, and that is us, the people.
So we are the dough, and as we purify and re-form ourselves, we will form the Bread for Life as ourselves, and we will give what we would like to receive, until all are able to not only eat the Bread of Life but also to create it, and all will be creators and all will be equals, as Life.

Let's walk!