What I can
say right now is:
Focusing on
the problem is a problem.
Both within
the small as within the big one can ask oneself what is achieved by focusing on
the problem.
I am
standing in front of an interesting realization. I took one part/aspect of my
life, a relationship, and saw a problem within it, and focused on that problem
and blew it out of proportion and I manifested in the end my own nightmare, my
own judgments and fears.
So now when
I look at myself I see that one dimension only, that one dimension of who I am,
that one dimension/aspect/relationship and what I had projected into it:
‘possessed’ me, possessed my experience, my thought processes, my judgments, my
emotional reactions, my words – my entire existence.
And so now
I am facing this ‘me’ that I have become within that relationship, realizing
it’s not what/who I want to be, and realizing that there is no other way to
move on but forgiven myself and no longer be that, through stopping
self-judgment, letting go of regret and self-sabotage.
That ‘me’
is not something separate from me, I had become it, and I realize that it’s my
own self-imprisonment, the walls I build around me out of fear of living, out
of fear of being me, out of fear of judgment or rejection – and yet I reject
myself, I judge myself, and then suspect others of doing so.
I know that
I don’t have to fear who I really am because I do find common sense and the
value of life within me, and yet I have allowed a part of me, a part I did not
yet understand so well due to suppression, projection, denial, a part of me
that existed within and as my subconscious and unconscious mind as memories and
value-definitions and relationships / associations, to possess me and
determine/direct what I wanted / desired / needed, how I defined myself within such
want/desire/need, what I would do and say to get what I wanted / desired /
needed – all based on a skewed ‘logic’ of self-interest.
So yes it
can be assessed as ‘scary’ to find such existence within myself – though it
shouldn’t surprise me as I recognize within it all the patterns that I was
exposed to and/or observed throughout my childhood and teenage years
through/with the people close to me.
Imagine,
the same protection- and defense-mechanisms my people applied when they expressed/suppressed
in a way that hurt, the same mechanisms I found myself applying within my
relationship: self-victimization, blame, comparison paranoia, it’s just ugly.
And definitely not something I want to accept or allow within me or any form of
life for that matter.
So now
basically the challenge I’m facing is – and I say challenge because I realize
the difference between saying, believing, projecting, imagining, or trying to
‘find’ or ‘have’ self-worth, self-respect, self-acceptance; and living it –
making the change/correction/transformation real and deliberately letting go of
the ‘old patterns’ the moment I see them come-up within me, for I have seen and
realized they do not serve me as life or others as life.
Now
obviously I cannot continue judging myself, I cannot continue looking at myself,
at my ‘here and now’, from the perspective of this one dimension/aspect/part of
my life which was blown out of proportion and within which I had lost my focus,
my self-responsibility, myself –
which I now
also realize or have to admit that, I forgive myself for I have accepted and
allowed myself to use the relationship as a justification for not taking
self-responsibility, for not loving me, for not supporting me, for not focusing
on me and who I am and am becoming.
Had I done
that from the beginning, I would/could have prevented myself from becoming
obsessed/possessed within relationship patterns that I existed as in my
mind/consciousness and projected outwards and defined myself and my experience
by…
So I faced
regret.
And I am
working through it, realizing obviously that self-forgiveness is the only
solution, the only way forward; but that alone is not enough, because I must
live the correction/change/transformation of that which I have forgiven, and
also within that: embrace it as myself (realizing I had become that) and let it
go – amalgamate – so that only I remain and I move forward in self-respect and
dignity as life.
I realize
it’s gonna take many small steps. This humbles me greatly, though I will not
wallow in an idea of humbleness, but rather humbly return to the basics, to
myself, to me here within and as breath/breathing, within the realization and
decision that I am doing this for me, thus I give me to me, I give myself the
value, give myself life, in valuing and honoring my decision through living it,
and within that: valuing and honoring myself as Life, as Living.
I know this
all may sound a bit ‘dramatic’ and I suppose that it because the point of
relationships defined much of ‘me’ and my life. Relationships has always been
an issue in my life – generally that is, relating to other people, and defining
myself through the eyes of others;
and this is
a point I am taking on more consciously now in terms of being present with
myself when I am alone, and being present in self-awareness when I meet people wherein
I direct/move myself gently yet with determination to free myself from this
resonant self-imprisonment wherein I hold judgment against myself and
consequently judgment towards others; wherein I am trapped in a state of trying
to fulfill something, an idea, a feeling, a desire or hope or need for
validation/acceptance and thus at the same time per implication accepting ‘me here’
as ‘inferior’, ‘inadequate’ and ‘unworthy’, denying myself self-acceptance and
self-worth, thus existing without self-respect, without honor.
I commit
myself to assist and support myself in the living words Honor and Self-Respect,
by making my decision to stop all judgment and separation and set myself free –
thus to honor and respect myself – and by honoring my decision in every moment,
I honor myself and show myself the respect I am worth as life, as living.
Thus I
commit myself to in my relationships, in every moment of participation: slow
down, be here, hear, and express, participate from a starting-point of
self-respect and common sense, common interest as life, allowing myself to be
‘free’ of polarity (superiority/inferiority), to be open and direct, to be
expressive, to be alive, to live and express.
I commit
myself to stop perceiving and projecting inequality within relationships, as I
realize that even though inequality is the root of the problem, we cannot
change anything by focusing on the problem; rather it is to understand How
inequality functions and exists within and as ‘who I am’ and thus
transform/align who I am from a starting-point of equality, of self-support –
thus also focusing on living the solution, living the realization of life in
equality as oneness, step by step, breathe by breath.
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