An Earthling's Journey to Life: 235: Writing Block is Self Block ...and it's JudgeMental

I spent the last couple of days organizing various points of my movement to the new apartment, in the process of which I’ve made countless searches online, wrote emails and made calls, and tomorrow I’ll be travelling across the city picking up a fridge, a couch and some other furniture pieces that people are giving away due to them moving or having bought something new. For this I had to rent a trailer and organize the friends to assist with driving and picking up the stuff and moving it to the cellar of the apartment where I’ll be moving into end of the month.

Yesterday I was on the train for one hour going to check out the couch offered for free and thankfully it was cool and okay and I told the people that I’d be picking it up on Sunday. On the way back in the train, I used my phone to connect to the group chat we had, it was already evening, but in the middle of it I had to change trains and my connection was off. I got frustrated and disliked the fact that the “too many” points interfered with one-another and I did not have the luxury of time to attend to each point with full attention. What I saw within this reaction is a certain inflexibility, wherein in the mind I judge the situation as a ‘failure’, instead of moving flexibly with what comes up in my physical reality and taking it for what it is.

Within all this I have allowed myself to go into a mode of overwhelmingness, whereby everything just seemed too much and the process never-ending, and this afternoon I found myself getting tired while simply walking to the center of the city and in the mall where I looked for a lock for the cellar and some light bulbs. I’m gonna have to get everything from scratch, even things like a pan or a mirror for the bathroom, cupboards, shelves, lamps, plates and stuff, a mattress... I’ve been surfing through pages and pages to find used stuff or the best deals on beds – in an equal money system such process would definitely be simpler, more practical, more direct.

Back to the point of overwhelmingness that I allowed myself to be overcome by:

When I had some time to sit down and write, suddenly all the points that still need to be taken care of in my process of organizing my movement would come up, and the thought would arise: “I don’t know what to write about at this point.”

So today, as I was reading some blogs by other destonians, I saw this simple point: I work with what is here in every moment, therefore I write about what is here – and what was here was me being stuck in this feeling/emotion of being ‘overwhelmed’, everything seeming ‘too much’, this perception creating a ‘fuzzy view’ of reality where all these points together seemed like a cloud too heavy to move easily with.

When I sat to look at the points, I wrote them out and placed them into a time schedule, considering the time schedules of the people involved in the picking up of the furniture and stuff. I had to make some phone calls and some clarifications, but all in all the organization is set, roughly. What remains is the walking of it, within the next several days until the moving is done and all points are walked-through and set. So there is no use in becoming ‘overwhelmed’ or even ‘distracted’ with these points, because since the preparation is done it is now a matter of walking point by point, breath by breath, and getting it done in the physical timeline of space-time reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become heavy through following and accepting the thought “everything is too much” and that “I don’t know where I’m at, I don’t know what to write about” – when in fact this writing block was a result of the accepted self block through the allowance of a feeling/emotion to come over me and ‘overpower’ me with ‘overwhelmingness’ – wherein I perceived myself as ‘less than’ ‘what lies ahead’ which I judged/feared as ‘overwhelming’/’too much’, thus placing those points as ‘more than’ me, separating myself from the self-responsibility and the self-trust to direct point by point, breath by breath, with practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to burden myself within and through the mind, by creating mental concepts about things and then emotionally reacting to my own acceptance of those concepts with ‘being overwhelmed’ – instead of realizing that I am creating this.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the thought “there’s so much I have to deal with by myself, I am helpless” to exist within me and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself small and pitiful by following that thought and identifying with that thought as if that was all I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by making the point I am faced with in my reality ‘bigger’ – instead of standing equal to the point and directing it as myself with practical common sense, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive and disempower myself through the mind, whereby it is not the mind that is evil, rather – it is about seeing and acknowledging the patterns I have accepted and allowed to exist as myself, that reveal themselves in thoughts and emotions, which as such exist in cycles within cause-and-effect relationships, which means that I through self-honesty and practical common sense am able to stand equal to and one with these patterns as what/who I have become and direct them as me into living solutions of self-support, self-correction, self-care and respect.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the true evil that exists is revealed with how we sabotage, deceive and abuse ourselves through mental polarity concepts of ‘more than’/’less than’, ‘superiority’/’inferiority’, ‘success’/’failure’ – and that by being trapped and existing on the basis of such concepts we limit ourselves and keep ourselves from seeing in self-honesty and applying practical common sense, which would not only benefit ourselves and individual process but also would consequently benefit the process of humanity and the transcendence of our world and all its systems.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the conditioned mental patterns within which we exist are always only busy within terms of ‘more than’/’less than’, ‘superiority’/’inferiority’, ‘success’/’failure’, and therefore are always in self-interest, failing to grasp reality in equality and oneness and to see the bigger picture and the interconnectedness of it all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to consider that by being busy in the mind with patterns of the past that come up in form of thoughts, beliefs, self-definitions, and the energetic reactions as emotion/feelings that are triggered by them: I am keeping myself trapped within a polarity system of energy, wherein energy is always ‘more than’ me and I am always in the quest of ‘getting higher’ in energy, and wherein my self-worth as life is not stable but is allowed to be moved and manipulated by and as energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to walk the simple physical process of breath by breath, point by point application, in every moment and every aspect of my life. Within this I commit myself to continue assisting and supporting myself in walking the physical process of breath by breath, point by point application, in every moment and every aspect of my life, in the realization that in every breath one can only ever do what can be done in one breath – and therefore there is no use for fear, rush, ‘overwhelmingness’, or any other energetic reaction for that matter, as it all comes down to how one direct things practically in the physical reality of space-time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge points/things/situations in my life with energy, through either judging/valuing them as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, as ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ – and to then accordingly react to my own definitions and value-judgments towards points/things/situations in my life.

I see, realize and understand that what I face and what I react to in my life: I have created, through the acceptance and allowance of definitions and value-judgments within the bounds of a polarity systems of ‘more than’/’less than’, ‘superiority’/’inferiority’, ‘success’/’failure’, ‘positive’/’negative’ – which are concepts of the mental in separation from Life as oneness and equality, and do not consider and regard the processes of this physical reality or the practical common sense of cause-and-effect equations in physical space-time.

For further points of support in relation to self-sabotage – I suggest reading the following blog series:

Self Denial

Self Denial - part 2

Self Denial - part 3

Assumptions as God

Habits as God